A Leap of Faith (Part 1)

Chapter 36 - Pain

A week has now gone by since Kara ended things with Lena, and Lena has remained absolutely devastated, she is simply broken. Lena has been through so much in her life, so much torment, and so many threats that have been made against her. Lena has experienced the years and years of abuse from her mother, and no matter what she did, she did not break her, Lena just wouldn't allow it. Then after that, Lena experienced the torment at the hands of Lex, who she found out for years, throughout her entire childhood, had been manipulating her for his own amusement, with the pièce de resistance being Lex's attempts on Lena's life. Despite Lena being completely traumatised by Lex, throwing her whole childhood she had experienced with him on her head, and then with her brother, who she thought loved her, attempting to kill her, and not just on one occasion, even that didn't break Lena. In fact, after everything that Lena has experienced thus far in her life, she didn't think that anything could truly break her, not anymore. Lena thought that she had built up enough tolerance throughout her life, even though she is only in her 20s, to last her a lifetime, to make sure that no one could hurt her ever again, and no one could break her. But, through all those years, Lena had always been looking outwards. Lena always thought that the threat that could break her would come from someone else, from Lillian or Lex, or some businessman or woman. Lena never, ever, thought that she would be the one to break herself. It just wasn't even a possibility in her mind. But here Lena is now, completely and utterly broken, her heart shattered into a million pieces, and it's all her fault. Lena has successfully accomplished something that Lillian and Lex never could. The only solus Lena takes from it, is if they find out how broken she is now, they will be completely infuriated that Lena did to herself, something they could never do. But that's still really not much comfort.

Ever since Kara walked out of Lena's office a week ago, Lena just hasn't been able to get it together. Lena obviously has experienced much heartbreak, stress and emotional tolls, throughout her entire life, and because of that she thought that she had a handle on just how to deal with her emotions. For years and years Lena had just been compartmentalising her emotions into small boxes, planning to deal with them later, but later never came, there was always another thing, one after another, that Lena needed to attend to, instead of unboxing her emotions. Although, admittedly, it is not like Lena was actually eager to unbox all her emotional trauma and baggage. In fact, Lena may have actively sought out work to stop herself from having to unbox her emotions and trauma, and have to deal with them. So, Lena tried to do the same for her emotions now, what she is experiencing because of her actions regarding Alura. Lena took the previous Thursday, after Kara walked out, just to wallow in her sadness, going home and crying for hours and hours. Then the next day Lena awoke and planned to just box up all her emotions again, and try and focus on work, and try not to think about how she had ruined the best thing to happen to her life, and lost the two people she loves the most in the world. But, when Lena awoke on that Friday she couldn't contain her emotions, her compartmentalisation just wasn't working anymore.

After Lena was unable to get herself together on Friday, she just called Jess and told her that she would be working from home, and not coming into L-Corp. Of course usually anything like this from Lena would have absolutely shocked Jess, but Jess happened to overhear the yelling the day before, and therefore was well aware that her boss must be upset over it all, and still recovering, so she didn't make a big deal of it, just agreeing to rearrange Lena's schedule. Lena for her part then just spent the Friday trying to do work, but it just wasn't working. Lena just kept breaking into tears, and thinking of how much of an idiot she was/is, and how much she hates herself for what she has done. Lena truly and honestly felt absolutely sick with herself, she just wanted to puke, just because of how bad and awful she was feeling from everything, and so overwhelmed.

Due to Lena's emotional state, she was unable to get any meaningful work done on the Friday at all, her eyes not focusing enough to look at a computer screen, with tears just getting in the way. Lena then decided that for the weekend she would just try and get herself together, not attempt to do any work. Lena would then just try and focus on her emotional state, and get all her tears and sadness, and utter heartbreak and devastation, out of her system, just so that she could move on for the next week, and try and get back to some semblance of normality. But as Lena's weekend progressed, she realised that that wasn't going to be the case. Lena's emotional state wasn't getting any better, in fact, focusing just purely on it, was making Lena so, so, much worse. This resulted in Lena trying to dull her pain on the Saturday with a lot of alcohol. Lena just began drinking a glass of scotch, hoping that it would maybe dull her senses a little, and make everything hurt a lot less, but it didn't really help, at all. Lena being in her emotional state wasn't just about to call it quits and decide that the alcohol wasn't going to be of any use, so she drank another glass, then another, and another. Eventually after a few hours of drinking, and a large portion of the bottle of scotch, Lena honestly felt a bit better. The alcohol hadn't been able to dull Lena's heartache, from the pain which she caused Kara, Alura and herself, but what it had been able to do was turn down her brain, making her unable to focus on her heartache. It was much like Lena just shut off the link that connected her brain to her heart. So, Lena just kept like this, drinking some more glasses, until she couldn't function anymore, just completely blacking out on her living room floor.