Throat Knife | Y.Jw

| 39 |

I was quietly laying, trying to figure out everything in my head. What in the world was I going to say? How did I even say it?

"Jiyeon?" Jungwon spoke making me hum as I continued tracing my index finger around the edge of my lips, "just say it. It doesn't have to come in a right order. I just want to know so we can establish something and I'll have a better understanding of your actions and way of thinking in the future."

"I just..." I sighed before running a hand over my face, "I can't... it would be so much easier if you could just go inside my thoughts and see what is happening in my head."

"It isn't supposed to be easy Ji... " he assured and ran a hand through his hair, "if it was easy you wouldn't be having nightmares about it. It's supposed to be difficult."

"I just... I don't want to continue like this Jungwon," I whispered making him hum, "I don't want to."

"Are you... as insane as this sounds... are you suicidal?" Jungwon slowly questioned making me sigh.

"Well no... but I just... I don't see the purpose to continue. By every day that passes the world is just going even more to shit and the government isn't doing anything," I complained making Jungwon just lift his head behind me.

"The government? Don't you know?" he questioned making me crane my neck around to look up at him, "they're all dead... it happened ages ago," Jungwon pointed out making a frown grow on my face.

"I didn't know," I whispered making Jungwon just hum and run his hand over my hair again.

"Why else do you suppose we want to try and cross the northern border again?" Jungwon questioned in amusement and I simply shrugged, "no governments mean no actual wars. Except for the one between the living and dead."

"Hm," I hummed at the feeling of his hands running through my hair, I couldn't help but wonder why it always made me relax so much whenever someone ran their hands through my hair. A habit Jay had installed in me when I was much younger, was my only guess.

"Now tell me... the nightmares," Jungwon stated and I just nodded, knowing that I had to tell him. I had to.

"They began a few years ago... after I had been alone for some time. Maybe two years ago, maximal three years ago," I slowly began and Jungwon just let out a small hum to signal that he was listening to me, "we were actually two back then."

"You worked with someone else?" he questioned and I hummed at him, "in the tree house?"

"Yup," I nodded as a small smile spread on my face, "a few years older than me. Han Shinhye," I spoke making Jungwon's breath hitch, "sound familiar don't it?"

"What happened to her?" Jungwon questioned and I just smiled as I remembered the memories Shinhye and I had had together, "she's your nightmare, isn't she?"

"Yeah," I quietly breathed out.

"Tell me," he urged and ran a hand through my hair again.

"The alliance killed her," I spoke and he just nodded, "not how they killed Jay... I didn't know they killed people like that."

"What did they do then?" Jungwon questioned and I sucked in a deep breath as I recalled the night Shinhye had been murdered.

"Uhm... we had found a car which we drove around in. There was one time where we had stopped to get gas and Shinhye was out filling up the tank with one of those big bottles we also use back at the base... it was her turn that night," I explained and Jungwon let out a hum again, "I sat in the car and then I had seen a car approaching and yelled out to Shinhye to get back in the car and uhm... I had crawled over to hide in the backseat, since it was very dark and I was wearing all black clothes so it would be hard to see me. Uhm... the other car parked outside ours and uhm... I just remember Shinhye screaming and suddenly she was thrown in on the front seat and-"

I paused for a moment as I had to recall everything. It seemed like I had decided to forget the whole thing and only saw it in my dreams.

"I... I remember sitting and having to hold my hands over my mouth to stay silent," I whispered, "it was some older man... maybe his forties, I don't know... it was too dark. He was just very big compared to Shinhye. He uhm... he held Shinhye down on the seat while she screamed for help and tried to fight back. Her head.... it laid so that... we had eye contact throughout everything... I remember her face turned blank once uhm... the man began... I can't do this Jungwon," I whispered as I shook my head and covered my face with my hands.

"It's nearly done isn't it?" Jungwon questioned and I nodded at him as his grip on my hand slightly tightened, "I want to know Jiyeon..."

"I know," I whispered and sucked in a deep breath, "okay... okay... I got it. What did I come from?"

"Her face turned blank when the man..." Jungwon trailed off and I nodded at him.

"Okay... right," I hummed at him, "he uhm... he raped her and she laid there all lifeless.... just looking at me, but still alive. She was still alive, but she was hurting so much even if she wasn't saying anything," I muttered and Jungwon hummed once again, assuring me he was awake and listening, "then... the man he... he wrapped a hand around her throat and squeezed, I could see the area around where his hand was get all white and yellowy... she got all frantic and tried to move his hand as she continued to just look at me... then... he... he shot her... right in the temple... and he just left as Shinhye just laid and stared at me with dead eyes. It was... horrifying."

"He let you live," Jungwon reminded and ran a hand through my hair.

"He didn't see me," I corrected and he hummed.

"So you see the murder in your nightmares?" he questioned and I shook my head, "what do you mean no?"

"I see what would've happened if he saw me..." I whispered and Jungwon just tightened his grip around me.

"I see why you would've wanted me to know," he assured and I just nodded before leaning my head back against his shoulder, "but I promise... as long as you're with me nothing like that will happen. I simply won't let it."

"Promise?" I questioned and he immediately hummed at me.

"Promise," he assured, "I already saved you once from Kitae, didn't I?"

"You didn't know he was trying to," I shook my head at him, "it doesn't count."

"I think it does," he insisted, "I did go out and scold him afterwards."

"I still wonder what he whispered to you," I admitted making Jungwon just softly pat my head.

"Just sleep, okay?" he questioned making me sigh before nodding, "thank you..."

I tightened my grip on his hand before closing my eyes and trying to slowly drift off as I felt quite safe by laying in Jungwon's tight hold.