From Barcelona To...

Chapter 53 - Let It Out

Ellies P.O.V

I needed time. Time to think. Time to process everything. Time to clear my mind. Time away. Time to just.....breathe. Barcelona is my home. A home I lived for the last 6 years, the only home I had in professional football, up until a few months ago. These last few months have turned my life upside down. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it, but we all know its been a bit of a rollercoaster. On the pitch and off the pitch. Last night just tipped me over the edge, not the physical side, but the things that Abbie said to me about Leah, they stuck in my head. Football is my escape, its my safe place. I can handle the physical side, Jesus, I enjoy that side and I can handle the verbals. But last night. When it was about Leah, that got to me. It scared me. It does scare me. It scares me that the one thing I have always been able to turn too when things get tough, a place I can stop thinking about the world around me and just focus on something I love. It feels like someone has pulled my safety blanket right from under my feet. It's the first time it hit me last night...I'm struggling.

I know I shouldn't have just left without telling anyone, but I knew if I told Beth and Viv they would just be pissed off with me. And I didn't have the heart to tell Leah. I know its even worse that I just left, but I knew I couldn't tell her. Fuck. I don't even know what to say to her. I saw her message when I landed but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Fuck.I know she will know exactly where I am now after the video Barca posted on socials. Which has probably made the situation 100 times worse.

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I booked my flight on the journey home after the game last night, I text Lucy to ask if it was ok if I could stay at her and Keiras, but I asked her not to tell Keira until I got there. I knew if Keira knew she would probably tell Leah. Obviously Lucy was fine with me staying at there place and also promised she wouldn't tell Keira. And I knew she wouldn't. My plan is to stay in Barca for a few days and fly back to England on Sunday with Keira and Lucy and go straight to SGP. I've already packed my bag for camp and have left it in my room, I will ask Beth if she wouldn't mind taking it with her when she travels to SGP on Sunday,

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I landed and headed straight to the Barcelona training centre. As soon as I arrived, it just felt like home. Like I could breathe again. It was like i'd never left, all the staff, coaches and players greeting me, welcoming me with open arms. They really are family to me. It was nice to be back around them, forgetting about everything back in England, including Leah. As awful as it was, I just needed to not think about anything right now, just for a little while.

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I spent the majority of the day at the Barca training ground, with all the girls. They have a game to play on Saturday which I'm looking forward to going to watch as a fan. I didn't get involved in any of the training, I just watched them, obviously I had a ball at my feet pretty much the whole time, but I do still need to remember I am an Arsenal player and I don't want to be disrespectful. I spent a lot of time chatting with all the girls, laughing and joking and it felt so good. There was no pressure from anywhere. But I knew it was only going to be short lived, I didn't come here because I fancied a holiday. I came here because I don't know how to handle everything that is going on in my mind.

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As soon as Keira, Lucy and I walked into there house I burst out crying. Like all my emotions that id been holding in had come to the surface all at once.

Lucy immediately wrapped her arms around me.

"Let it out mate" Lucy says to me as she holds me

We just stood there for a while. Lucy holding me as she let me cry it out. I hadn't managed to tell Lucy about any of the Abbie situation yet, she will probably know about whatever went on with Leah and Abbie anyway, but she doesn't know everything that's gone on with Leah and I about it.