I wrote part of this while listening to Adam Lambert's Outlaws of Love, and actually had to stop for a minute because I started to cry.
Dean's POV
~5 weeks before~
"Sammy. I have news" Sam looked at me, waiting for me to continue. I took a deep breath before telling him, "I'm pregnant"
A small smile appeared on his face as he said, "Me, too"
~Now~
Tears formed in my eyes as another cramp began. I knew what was happening. The bleeding, the cramps, they meant one thing: miscarriage. I feel like a failure. Everything was fine a few weeks ago. Sam and I were happy. Life was good. Now I'm not so sure. I looked to Sam from the spot on the bed I was currently occupying. He was on the phone with our doctor, worriedly telling him what was happening to me and pacing back and forth across the room. He hung up and came over to me. "The doctor wants you to come in for an ultrasound" he said, rubbing my back and holding my hand in an attempt to soothe me.
"Sammy, what if I lost her?" I already took to calling our baby "her" because I had my heart set on a girl. I wanted to name her Justice Jay. I'm already thinking of her in the past tense.
"It'll be okay, Dean. Everything will be okay" Soon, the worst of the cramps passed. I was able to get up and have Sam take me to the doctor.
When we arrived, our doctor immediately took us back for an ultrasound. I laid on the table, Sam holding my hand. The doctor preformed the ultrasound. I awaited the grim news that would confirm my suspicions. Once the test was finished, my stomach was wiped clean of the jelly that was used. The doctor sighed before saying, "Dean, I'm sorry, but you've had a miscarriage. Even though you are only five weeks along, I should be able to detect at least a faint heartbeat, but there's nothing" Sam's hand tightened it's grip on mine. I held back the tears that were threatening to fall and thanked the doctor. He nodded, saying, "I'll give you two a few minutes" before walking out. I stood up from the table. Sam's arms were around me suddenly. I broke. The tears fell. The sobs came. I'm a failure as a parent. Eventually, I calmed down. Sam pulled me away from his now soaked shoulder. He kissed my forehead and wiped away any tears still left on my cheeks.
"I just want to go home" I whispered.
"Let's go then" He put an arm around me again as we walked out of the doctors office after paying our bill.
In the next few months, I numbed my feelings and took care of Sam, who was still pregnant. He worried about me as I worried over him. I didn't cry about my miscarriage anymore. I felt indifferent.
"You're bottling it up" Sam told me one day.
"It's better than being a constant teary-eyed mess"
"Dean, it's going to take some time"
"I don't have time. I have you to worry about"
"I'm doing fine. It's you that I'm worried about. One day you're going to explode, and I'm going to have to clean up the pieces"
I clenched my jaw for a second. Sam's been arguing with me lately. I blame it on the pregnancy. He's the one about to explode. I would never admit it to him, but I knew, deep down, that he was right.
"Come here" he said, holding his arms out for me. I walked over to him and sat beside him. He took my hand and laid in on his stomach. My face lit up with a smile. "Feel that? That's your son. He needs you, and in a way, you need him, too" The realization of Sam's comment hit me like a brick wall. I need to sort myself out by the time he comes.
Finally, the day came when Sam was to have our son. I was still a complete mess, but I was beside Sam the entire time. The doctors released the small baby from Sam's body. The baby wailed for a few minutes as they cleaned him up and handed him to Sam. He quieted in Sam's arms. I wanted to be able to do that, but I can't. I can never be a parent, not after losing my baby. "What are you going to name him?" I asked.
Sam looked dumbfounded, "Dean, he's yours too. You get a say in what we name him"
"I want you to name him"
"Fine... How about Thomas Colton?"
I smiled, "Perfect"
A few weeks went by, and I was avoiding Thomas as much as possible. I just knew that he would hate me. I'm tainted. Who could love me? Eventually, the inevitable came. Sam was leaving me alone with the baby. He was going for a run. I would have to tend to Thomas' every need for the next hour. Sam gave Thomas and I a kiss goodbye before plugging in his earbuds and jogging down the street. I took a deep breath and hoped that Thomas wouldn't begin to cry. Quietly, I walked back to his nursery to check on him. He was sound asleep in his crib. Hopefully he sleeps for the whole time Sam is gone.
I counted the minutes that passed. I thought I was in the clear, because Sam would probably be back in about 15 minutes. That's when I heard the bawling from the nursery. Shit. Thomas was awake. I walked back to his room and lifted him out of his crib. I tried to bounce him a bit, thinking that it would calm him down. It wasn't working. I could feel the nervousness swallow me up. I can't do this. I sat in the rocking chair next to the crib and tried to calm the baby by rocking him. Nothing was working. Eventually, the tears began to roll down my cheeks too. "Why won't you calm down?" I asked Thomas.
Sam's POV
I walked back into the house from my run, only to be greeted by loud crying. "Dean?" I called. There was no answer. I followed the sound into the nursery, where I saw Dean, with tears wetting his face, and Thomas, who also had a tear-damped face. I quickly sat next to Dean and carefully lifted Thomas out of his arms. The small child almost immediately quieted. Dean looked at me, his facial expression saying: see? I can't do anything right. I'm tainted. I laid Thomas back in his crib. Then I gave my full attention back to Dean. I pulled him into a hug. He almost immediately began crying again, saying, "I can't do this Sammy. The miscarriage ruined any chance of me being a parent. I couldn't even get my own son to calm down. He hates me" I sighed, knowing full well that Dean finally exploded, and just like I told him a few months ago, I was picking up the pieces. I pulled Dean away from me and cupped his face in my hands. "Dean, you aren't tainted. Thomas just didn't want to be held by you at the moment" I stroked his hair, "He loves you, I promise" I let go of Dean and picked Thomas up again. I laid him in Dean's arms. This time, he didn't cry. He smiled up at Dean. "See? You aren't tainted" I said before kissing Dean's cheek. "Please don't bottle your feelings up anymore. It worries me. Tell me when something is bothering you, okay?"
Dean nodded through the joyful tears welling in his gorgeous green eyes. I smiled and pulled him in for a hug, being careful to not swish Thomas between us. "You're going to be a great father" I whispered into Dean's ear.
"We are going to be great fathers" he whispered back. When I pulled out of the hug, he was astonished to see that Thomas had fallen asleep in his arms. The small child looked content in the arms of his father. It truly was a wonderful sight to behold: my two favorite people in the world, finally happy.
Note: I'm not sure if next week's update will be on time. I have to go away for the weekend with my mom, and if she finds out about wincest, or that I write fanfiction about it, she might either kill me or try to get a priest to preform an exorcism on me. If I don't update on Saturday, then I definitely will on Sunday.
