Broken Past: Todoroki Shoto x Fem!Reader

Just want to get some stuff off my chest.

Hey guys.

So this isn't a chapter, as you could probably tell by the title, but I've just been thinking about things and I really feel the need to get some stuff off my chest. So this is going to get a little personal.

A few chapters back I mentioned that a friend of mine was going through a rough patch and I'm glad to say things have got a little better, but a lot has changed in the last few months.

I've stopped hanging around the group i use to because I no longer felt comfortable around them. I felt more out of place then I normally did. One of my other friend had broken up with his partner and went through a day of distancing himself from us and eventually he just left. After that someone else joined and I just got uncomfortable so I left. But that isn't the main thing I wanted to talk about.

Two years ago, in 2016, I experienced the scariest day in my life and figured out what my biggest fear was. thantophobia, the fear of losing someone you love and I remember that day so clearly.

That entire year had been hell, but that one day was when everything snapped. My friend, who I'm going to call Fern from now on, had been self harming for a week or so at this point. We didn't have many classes together that day and in one of their morning classes, the teacher had said something or pressured them for an answer and they ended up leave the classroom.

When break came around I ran into them, i could just see it in their expression that shit had happened and i wasn't going to push the topic but i did want to chee them up. However, I didn't get the chance, a teacher the same one from Fern's earlier class took them to a detention of something like that. I remember feeling helpless as I watch my closest childhood friend, who I knew was in a terrible headspace and could break at any moment walk away with a teacher.

That break I could focus. My worry for them just kept growing every second they weren't sitting with our small group of friends. When the bell went I headed off to my next class, everyone's favorite subject math, it was a class that I did have with Fern and I was hoping to finally be able to check if they were okay, but what I heard next broke me.

One my classmates was talking to a kid from another class about something that had happened at break. I remember him saying, 'someone was cutting themselves in front of a teacher.' My mind honestly went blank for a moment and it was almost like my brain refused to make the conection. At least until my classmate asked who had done it and the next words i heard have stuck with me for two years. 'Their best friend is behind you'

At that moment, something in me snapped and I broke down. My mind tends to picture the ways everything can go wrong. A friend tried to calm me down but it wasn't working, everytime I started to, I just picture another way for me to lose them. I starting feeling likd I should have done more, that I should have seen the signs and acted on them, that I should have gone with my instincts and for the first time I thought about injuring myself.

I never told my friends about what I had thought and felt in that moment. I didn't want them to start worrying about me, but my thoughts kept telling me that I should have done something more. I kept imaging that I'd go home that night and come back the next morning and my friend would be gone. Eventually a teacher came out and tried to help my friend calm me down. She told me that the boy who had brought up the topic that lead to my break down had wanted apologize himself but was in the middle of an assessment.

I remember laughing a little in between the tears and choked sobs as the teacher told everything would be fine. That Fern was in good hands at the office and that the staff wouldn't let anything happen to them. I remember having a small argument of sorts about it, before I finally manged to stop crying. The teacher went back to her class and I apologized to my friend for cause any trouble, but we ended up missing pretty much all of math so that was a good thing that came out of it.

Fern ended up going home early that day and came to school the next in a slightly better mood and I decided to keep my eye on them. After a month or two they stopped self harming and seemed to be a lot better. Everything was good for a while. Skip to term two 2017 and I lost all motivation for everything. My grades started to drop,  I stopped writing my stories and even distanced myself from my friends a bit. I just randomly stand up in the middle of a conversation and walk away, almost every afternoon I'd just lose the ability to deal with people and I just didn't feel much like myself, but I put on a smile and acted like I was fine.

My friends asked me a few times if I was okay, but I just brushed it off as me being tired. One night around this time I dreamt that I was cutting my own wrists. It honestly scared me. There was one day at the end of last year where I sitting alone in the corner of the classroom on my own with a USB in hand. My friends were on the other side of the room and I was in one of my moods again, so they didn't bother me. I ended up scratching the shit out of my left arm with the USB. There wasn't any blood or permanent marks, but it did hurt for a while.

No one really noticed them either, since I kept my arm down and out of sight most of the day. My friends also knew about a nasty habit I have, of digging my long nails into my skin whenever any if my emotions start to raise. But anyway, then this year started and everything was fine up until recently, but things are starting to get better again.

It's kind of funny, in a messed up way. Me and three of my friend, who I'm gonna call Kyle, Eden and Jacob, were talking about life and shit and we finally came to the relization that everyone we hung with pretty much is broken and fucked up in someway. Jacob was adopted and brought over here from America, Kyle is just strange and Eden comes from a drug using and suicidal family that he wants nothibg to do with.

But at this point, i think it's safe to say that our group at school is our family. We look out gor each other and try to cheer each other up when we need to. I personally still get a lot of negative thoughts when I'm alone and it's quiet,  that's why i hate silence but I'll always be there to support a friend. I actually had an argumentwith my friend and crush over my horrible sleep schedule. Even as I type this it's currently 11:35pm here and I have school in the morning.

But I really felt like I had to get this off my chest. Might be able to sleep without these thoughts clouding my mind. I want everyone who reads this to know that they are woth the world and that if you ever need someone to talk to that isn't going to judge I'm a couple taps of the screen away. I know that probably sounds weird to say but I want to help anyone I can.

So there you go, now you all know more about my life and stuff that even my friends don't really know. I hope you all enjoy life and i be sure to update soon.

Sincerely,

Kiren