Despondency (Sequel To Sweetheart)

Chapter 46 - Dark Past

September 20, 1999

Mariah's Setting

"Hi Ms. Carson. I'm Dr. Curie, how are you doing today?", a slender black woman with black curly hair said as she sat down behind her desk.

"You don't have to call me by my fake name. You already know who I am, you can just call me Mariah", Mariah sighed.

It had been almost a week since she had been at Sunset Valley Women's Institution and after being monitored closely, today was finally her first therapy appointment.

"Well if that makes you comfortable, then I'll just call you Mariah", Dr. Curie smiled. "I want you to be as comfortable as possible today because I will be asking you to discuss some very personal things today."

"Okay", Mariah said as she looked around the office. She didn't want to be here but she would do whatever it took to be back home with Ginuwine. Being away from him made her see that she often took him for granted.

"Is there anything that you want to tell me before we start?", Dr. Curie asked.

"Umm....no", Mariah said timidly.

"Okay well I see in my file that you're currently on suicide watch. Why do you want to end your life?"

Mariah hesitated at the question, but decided to answer anyways.

"I've been used and abused all my life and I'm tired of it and if I wasn't pregnant right now, I would have already done it", she said.

"So you say you've been used and abused. Can you go into more detail for me?", Dr. Curie said as she wrote notes in Mariah's file.

"I grew up in an orphanage because my parents didn't want me. I guess they couldn't afford an abortion, so they just dropped me there as soon as I was born. The workers there said I was inside of a picnic basket and that I was wrapped in a hospital blanket. My life was over before it began because my parents didn't even want me", Mariah said as she tried not to cry. She hated talking about her childhood.

"I see that being abandoned by your parents has deeply affected you", she said reading Mariah's facial expressions.

"Yes it has", Mariah rolled eyes. "Being mixed has also made my life harder for me because I never could relate to anyone or saw anyone that looked like me. I originally didn't want to have children for that reason. I didn't want them growing up confused of who they are, like I was."

"Have your ever tried to reach out to your parents?"

"No, but I do know their names and I've seen photos of them. My father was a white man and my mother is a gorgeous afro-latina woman. I got most of my looks from her but my skin tone and hair came from my father, who is no longer alive."

"So I'm getting that being abandoned by them and being of mixed heritage has made you feel....inadequate?"

"Yes. It definitely has. I've never felt deserving to ever be loved by someone even though I've wanted to be loved by someone...if that makes sense. I've always searched for love and found it in all the wrong places. Those men did nothing but hurt me in the worst ways", Mariah said as she wiped a tear from her eye.

"How did they hurt you?", Dr. Curie said as continued writing notes.

"I've was physically abused and sexually abused countless times", Mariah sniffled as she tried her best not to cry.

"How many men did this to you?", Dr. Curie frowned.

"I don't know but it was a lot", Mariah cried.

"Do you care to go into detail? You don't have to."

"When I first signed to Columbia records in 1988, I met a man named Tommy Mottola. He was much older than me and was charming but very manipulative. He basically lured me into falling in love with him. He promised me that he would make me a huge star and be known all over the world. Tommy would take me out on extravagant dates and buy me expensive gifts. Once my first two albums became successful, he asked me to marry him and I said yes and that's when it all began. We had this huge wedding and then we went on our honeymoon...a-and....."

"Take your time", Dr. Curie said as she handed Mariah a tissue.

"He literally stole my virginity from me. I told him over and over again to stop but he kept on and he took my pureness away from me. That was the first time I got raped by him and that cut so deep into me", Mariah cried. "The abuse started from there and it only got worse. He would make me have sex with his coworkers while he watched and sometimes he filmed me. One time he made me have sex with six of his colleagues and I ended getting pregnant by one of them. He got so mad that he beat me until I miscarried the baby."

Dr. Curie could tell that Mariah had never discussed any of these things with anyone and  figured that it could be the reason why Mariah wanted to take her life. All of her pent up trauma and heartache was beginning to become too much for her and the recent incident that happened to her, only made it worse.

"Have you ever talked to anyone about these things before?", she asked Mariah, to confirm her current notion of her.

"No. I especially never told my finace Ginuwine about this because I don't want him to look at me as some type of whore. I don't want him to know that I'm damaged goods."

"Not talking to someone you know and trust about traumatic situations is very unhealthy Mariah. If you hold these things inside, you could literally drive yourself crazy. Once you leave this institution, you need to tell your fiance about these things. If he loves you like you say he does then he won't leave you, he'll probably love you even more."

"I can't tell him about any of this. He's about to marry me and I'm about to have his babies in a few months. He can't know about any of this", Mariah sobbed as she placed a hand on her stomach.

"That's the only way you'll be secure with yourself and your relationship Mariah. How is he supposed to marry you if he doesn't know you?"

"He knows me and he loves me and that's all that matters. You don't know anything about me so fuck you", Mariah said, getting defensive. The conversation was getting too deep for her.

Mariah got up from the chair and stormed out of the room.

She was yet again pushing someone else away that was trying to help her.

"It's gonna take some effort but I'll definitely be able to get her to open up", Dr. Curie smiled as she closed Mariah's file.

If Mariah wanted to heal, she would have to face ALL of her demons.