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Chapter 43: Uncertainty

Shawn's POV

I woke up to the feeling of someone breathing against my neck. I turned around to see Taylor. His arms were firmly around my waist. Memories of what happened last night suddenly hit me. Last night I lost my virginity. I was so overwhelmed with him actually being there that I guess it just happened.

Taylor's eyes suddenly fluttered open. He was so beautiful. The way his hair was still perfect even after last night. The way his beautiful eyes shone in the morning light. A smirk appeared on his face. He leaned in and kissed me firmly on the lips. I had missed this so so much. I had missed him so so much. But this wasn't right. It didn't feel right.

"Morning." He said as he pulled me closer. I tried to resist. But it felt so good to be in his arms.

"Hi." I said quickly. He raised an eyebrow as if sensing that i felt off about this whole situation. "Is something wrong?" He asked while leaning his forehead against mine. I sighed. I shouldn't have had sex with Taylor. I wanted to loose my virginity to someone who actually loved me. And i knew that Taylor didn't love me. He had said so himself. I think last night was just an impulse.

I quickly pulled myself from Taylor's grasp. I tried not to look Taylor in the eyes. Taylor quickly sat up and looked at me, he looked confused.

"Shawn what's wrong?" he asked. I could hear the worry in his voice. I started to shake my head and I could feel my eyes well up. "This was a mistake." I said while getting up and searching for my clothes. "What do you mean Shawn?" Taylor asked while getting up and walking over to me. "This. You. Me. Last night. It was a mistake." I said. I could see the hurt in Taylor's eyes but I didn't care. I quickly pulled on my boxers and started searching for my tshirt. Taylor quickly started getting dressed too.

"Why?..." Taylor asked slowly while looking down, he started to rub the back of his neck. "I wanted to lose my virginity to someone who loved me." I said simply while not looking him in the eyes. "I...." Taylor stuttered out. He looked down and didn't say anything. I snorted. "Yeah, that's what I thought." I said while rubbing my forehead. "That's not true Shawn..." Taylor said slowly while looking back up at me. "You told me you didn't love me Taylor." I quickly added, cringing while remembering the night of our fight. "I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was, I didn't love you anymore." he said slowly. "As if that makes a big fucking difference!" I shouted. I suddenly began to get very angry. He is just making this whole situation ten times worst.

"Shawn just.."

"Just leave please." I begged. I didn't want him here anymore. I didn't want him to hurt me anymore than he already has. Taylor sighed. He got up and walked really close to me. He tried to take my hand but I pulled it away. He looked at me and I could see the sadness in his eyes. I felt bad but I knew that i shouldn't considering what he put me through.

"Let me explain myself first okay. Afterwards I'll leave if you still want me to okay?" He asked. I wasn't sure if this was a good idea or not but I nodded anyway.

"During the first year I was completely in love with you Shawn. I loved everything about you. Your smile, your voice, how kind and generous you are and your cheesy ass peace sign." he said while chuckling. "I just... When your started working on your album and your music blew up, I just felt like I was sitting on the sidelines. I knew that one day you'd get so famous you'll just forget about me. Millions of girls want you. You could have any guy or girl you wanted. I just didn't feel that valuable. I started obsessing over it. I started to loose interest. I started to fall out of love with you. I was so stupid Shawn. I was SO stupid that I couldn't see that you cared. I was hurting you and I didn't care. I wanted you to hurt. And now I realize how wrong that all was. How wrong I was.

That night with Anastasia. I just. I saw an opportunity and I took it. I started looking for love in other places because I felt that eventually you'd leave me. And I didn't want that. I really didn't want that. I wanted to hurt you before you hurt me. But that night you went missing. I broke. I realized how stupid I was. I realized that you could be dead and it would be all my fault. Because I was stupid and I constantly hurt you. And then Cameron told me that him and Nash found you on the roof and they thought you we're suicidal and I couldn't handle the thought of you hurting yourself. I thought you killed yourself Shawn. I couldn't sleep for those three weeks. You were all I thought about. Even just the thought that you could be dead haunted me. That's when I realized how much I needed you. How much I would suffer if you weren't in my life.

I realized what an asshole I was. How id never show up to your shows but you'd always come to mine. Every single show Shawn. You were always there. I am so sorry for not realizing how much you cared for me and I took advantage of everything Shawn. But last night. Was NOT a mistake. Because now I realize how much I actually care for you, how much I actually love you. I never stopped loving you Shawn, I just lost my way for a little while. And now I've found it. And I need you to give me another chance because I don't think I would be able to enjoy living in a life without you." he said, his breathing was fast. He'd said everything so quickly. It took me a moment to process everything.

"Please say something Shawn." Taylor said quietly.

And then I did. "Marry me."