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Chapter 99: Tick Where It Hurts

Cameron's POV

I felt nothing.

And that bothered me, it bothered me that I felt nothing. In the past three weeks all I had done was cry. Cry and cry and cry. but crying does nothing. Crying won't bring him back. Crying won't make things right. It's pointless and that's why I stopped.

I kept telling myself that it wasnt my fault. But no matter how many times I told myself that, I know it's a lie. It is my fault, eveyrthing is my fault.

The guys stopped talking to me after I refused to attend his funeral. They think I did this out of spite, but I didnt. The reason I didn't go was because I couldnt. I couldnt face myself with the reality that he's actually gone and never coming back.

In fact I still cannot fully fathom that. That he's gone.

I stood at the hallway of our bedroom, I just couldnt. I couldnt go in there.

I hated the thought that he was once in here, needing someone so badly and I wasnt there. The fact that I was the reason that he's dead.

I miss him, don't get me wrong. I miss him more than anything in the entire world. In fact I don't think I can stay here without him.

You see, a lot of people don't know this, but I've always been a sad person. And by sad, I mean that I don't think I have a purpose here. I'm just destructive, I destroy everything. I'm not good for anyone. I mean look at how I hurt Clayton and look at how Nash turned out. This world would be a better place without me.

I never thought I'd ever resort into killing myself, in fact I don't like calling it that... More like, doing the right thing.

I know this something I have to do, I know that.

Now any sane person would tell me that this is just me not coping with Nash's death well, and in a way I agree with that.

I've never dealt with death in a good way to begin with. When Lia died, I tried to ignore it. Partially because the only think I cared about what Nash and if Lia was dead then she wouldnt marry him. That makes me a horrible person.

To be perfectally honest, Lia was always a lovely person. When she walked into a room, the room would light up. She had an amazing personality and I know that the only thing she ever wanted was for someone to love her. I don't know why she chose Nash, maybe because they're closer in age compared to her and JC, but that doesnt matter. What matters is how I treated the situation and what matters is that I feel responisble for her death.

And then there's Clayton. Clayton. Clayton. Clayton. God, I was in love with him. He was so good to me. He'd bring me flowers everyday even though I'd constantly tell him how gay it was. He was so so so good to me. And I know he was genuine. But a person can only hold on for so long. Some pat of me wishes that I never went back home for the wedding, a part of me wishes that I had stayed with Clayton. And things would've been good. But the sad thing is, I mightve been happy but I know that Nash would've ended up the same way anyway, and that breaks my heart.

Nash. Nash is everything to me, he always has been and he always will be. And now that he's gone, I feel like I have no purpose. I miss his stupid brown hair that seriously needed a hair cut, I miss his bright blue eyes and how they'd shine in the morning light, I miss how he was the first person I'd wake up to and the last person I'd see before I'd go to sleep, I even miss the stupid fights we'd have and most of all I miss his laugh.

I felt tears pouring down my face. Fuck. I promised myself I wouldnt cry and here I am.

I just needed to be back with him.

*

I stood at the foot of my bed. I fixed my tie that I had just done up. I adjusted my suit. It was the one my father bought me before he died

I liked it quite a lot. It was white and sleek. I smiled at all the memories I had in this suite. I grabbed the note pad on my side table. I had written a lot on it, mostly to him.

To Whoever Reads This:

Firstly, I am sorry that you are the one to have found me like this, I really am.

I feel that if you are a person that knows me, then you are fully aware of why I did this, but if you arent, then I suppose I should tell you.

I lost the love of my life two weeks ago.

And it's all my fault.

I mean what else do I say? There's not really anything else keeping me here. I cannot stand to be around my friends, I cannot stand to see them happy, knowing that I'll never be happy and I know that sounds oh so selfish. And yes, what I am doing is pretty selfish. But I'm okay with that.

To my sister, I love you. And I am so sorry I couldn't be there for my nephew. He'll be okay though, because you're his mother.

And mom, I know this will probably destroy you, and I am so sorry. I know that parents are never supposed to bury their children, and I am so sorry for making you do this, but I hope you understand that I am now happy, because I'll be with him again.

And to my friends, Taylor, Shawn, Matthew, Carter, Hayes, Aaron, Sammy, Jack G and Jack J, Mahogany, I love you. I love you guys so much and thank you for being there for me. But I hope you know that everything is for a reason.

I will be with Nash again.

I sighed and placed it down on the pillow. I went over to my closet where I had hid the rope. I had gotten it from our supplies from our boat. I pulled out my chair from my desk. I got on the chair. There were horizontal planks of wood running across my ceiling. I picked the one closest to me and started looping the knot up. I hesitated. With all the dread and emotion I was feeling, I just wanted it to end .Once I had it in the correct way I wanted it, I slipped it around my neck, I took a moment. I wanted this. I wanted to be gone, away from everyone. So I kicked the chair down and felt the rope slice through my skin.

And that's when I knew it was the end.