•Benefits• {cash} {boyxboy}

Chapter 84: Since Forever

Jack J's POV

One hundred and seven times. Jack had called me one hundred and seven times.

I let out a sigh as I got up out of my bed. I'm a horrible person. I know that. I am fully aware.

The familiar sound of my phone buzzing is heard. I guess it's one hundred and eight now.

I feel bad for leaving him there, I really do. I also feel bad for kissing Annabelle. God. What is wrong with me?

Part of me wants to be with Jack, fully and unconditionally. But another part of me doesn't. Another part of me wants to marry a girl, have kids, have a family.

But I know that if I were to do that, Jack would be out of my life permanently. And I don't know if that's what I want. I can't picture a life without him.

This all started with my dad walking in on Jack and I. Sure, he didn't have a problem with it, well as far as I know. But something about the look on his face was just... I can't even describe it. I feel like I disappointed him. He'd always go on about me getting married or giving him gran kids. And now... I feel like I've disappointed him. I feel like I've disappointed everyone.

The echo of the doorbell ringing was heard throughout my house. I contemplated on whether or whether not to answer it.

I decided to not answer it.

However, I heard my dad answer it.

"Jack! Jack's here!" He yelled.

Shit.

Why would he come to my house?

Shit shit shit shit.

I quickly looked around. My room was a mess. Not that it ever mattered. But now it suddenly did. It mattered a lot.

I quickly picked up all my loose clothes on the floor and threw them in my closet. I then jumped on my bed and attempted to make it up.

I quickly turned around when there was a knock on my door.

My eyes widened. I quickly checked myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. I sighed and opened the door.

"You look like shit." Jack said.

Jack was wearing a pineapple button up, skinny chino's and vans. His hair was quiffed up. To say he looked on point was an understatement.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

Jack walked in my room, looking around.

"This is the cleanest I've ever seen your room." He stated.

I scoffed.

"So what do you want?" I just ask plainly.

"I just...I just needed to say something. About yesterday." He stumbles out.

I try to say something but I can't. I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight. Just having Jack infront of me makes me flustered and tongue tied.

"It was my fault. I came on too strong too fast..." He starts but it just makes me ticked off. He was trying to take the blame.

"No!" I yell and cringe at how loud I am. "It's not your fault." I say softer now. "You were just being honest and I was just being a coward." I say before loosing my courage. "I'm still scared."

"Just tell me what it is you want." Jack says. That's the only part I haven't figured out. I don't know what I want. How does anyone know what they want? Maybe I want Jack today but what about tomorrow? Or the next day, month, years from now? If I put a label on myself and it turned out not true I'll be stuck with it forever.

"I don't know okay. I know... I know a part of me wants you. More than anything I've wanted. I can't get you out of my damn mind." I take my fingers through my hair in another futile attempt to pull the thoughts out of my mind.

"You're the one who started this." I mumbled.

"Would you prefer me to keep it bottled in forever?" He asks.

"Yes!" I yell immediately but instantly regret it, "No maybe I don't know."

"You seem conflicted." Jack notes and I laugh at how blunt he is.

"No shit Sherlock. How did you deal with it? Years of this BS?" I ask, trying to imagine just one more day with my inner turmoil, it seems unbearable.

"Hanging out with you everyday helped. You know when you didn't ignore my calls."

"Sorry about that." I apologize.

"But it also made me want you more. I get it though, it's confusing." He says like he's all knowing. He might as well be. He must have it all figured out by now.

"So you know exactly what you want? How do you deal?"

"It doesn't help to push it away. I think everyone wants to deny it for a while but eventually you just know. Acceptance I guess. Came about three years ago for me." I cringe at that.

I didn't say anything.

Jack suddenly looks at me with a determined face. He cups my face with his soft hands. I shudder at his touch.

"I told you. I love you. I don't know how to make that clearer besides saying it over and over again." He tilts my head and puts his lips to my ear. Another involuntary shudder rages against my self control that's keeping me from having my way with him right now.

"I love you I love you I love you I love you."

At each confession of love, I feel my self control breaking, piece by piece.