Conversations With My Love (boyxboy)

23. Awkward Talk.

Pierre wasn't looking at me.

I wasn't looking at him.

Basically we were both avoiding any eyes contact.

The silence that had installed itself between us was really awkward. It was the first time that I was feeling so uncomfortable in his presence. I did not know what to tell him and I could say that he was having the same problem as me.

Who would have thought that one little question would make things so awkward so fast?

"Yes," I finally replied to Pierre's question and he glanced at me with an unreadable emotion in the eyes.

"Yes?" He repeated and I nodded as I was not sure if I needed to confirm it or not. He started to play with the pen in his hand. I thought that he was going to write something down but then he said, "You have been intimate with another boy then. I didn't know that."

I was suddenly feeling very guilty and very ashamed of myself. Pierre was my little love, he was my little ray of sunshine, he was my happiness but I was a boy and in the past years, I started to get some needs, some sexual needs. Of course, at first I took care of those needs myself. Though, the only person that I truly wanted was Pierre but I could not really have him and last year, I did a few crazy things.

"How-how far did you go?" Pierre asked me and I lowered my gaze. I couldn't lie to him about that. He needed to know the truth. God, even though, we weren't even a real couple yet, it seemed to me that I just cheated on him.

"I had sex," I admitted before adding hesitantly. "A few times."

Dear God, I was a sixteen year old boy, I would be seventeen soon and most importantly, I was single and in love with a boy that I thought I would never have. The first time that I did it, I didn't have Pierre, he wasn't mine, so I let myself get tempted by a special want, not a sexual desire, but a desire to forget about him. I tried to do so by having sex with other boys.

It wasn't really the best idea that I had.

"Who is he? Or maybe who are they?" Pierre questioned and he was trying to keep a normal expression on his face but I knew better. It was fake. It seemed to be bothering him a lot the fact that I had sex before.

I cleared my throat before finally answering, "They don't live in town so you don't know them."

"Of course, there have been many guys," he stated in disbelief and the way he said it made me feel really, really bad. "And you got out of town just to have sex with complete strangers. That seems really desperate."

"It's not like that that it all started," I protested. "It's...I...I don't know what to tell you."

"The truth please," he said and I sighed. The way things were going, it really looked like I cheated on him.

I guessed that I should tell him the whole story.

"A little bit after I turned sixteen, during school break, my family and I went to a hotel out of town. They couldn't really leave me here but I know that they wanted to," I explained it to him, "Of course, once at the hotel, I didn't remain with them, I went around on my own to visit the new place that I was in and I met a boy named Evan."

Pierre made a weird sound at the mention of the name and I wasn't sure if I should continue or not. Looking at his face, I knew that he was very displeased but he wanted to know the truth, I was going to give it to him.

"Evan and I talked and I realized that he was gay so I told him about me and he took me to a special club of his. It's like a gay club for teenagers," I told Pierre and he huffed.