Conversations With My Love (boyxboy)

49. Hurting.

One week had passed since my fight with Pierre.

One week had passed since I last talked to him.

One week had passed since I last saw him.

And one week had passed since I mentally broke down.

The tears had stopped but the pain, it only grew stronger by each passing day. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and to never wake up again. Why couldn't I disappear forever? Why, each morning, I needed to open my eyes only to feel pain and sorrow?

Why did I have to love him?

I wanted it to stop. I wanted my love for him to disappear completely. I wished that I never met him. I wished that my eyes never fell on him. I wished to have never made him my whole world. I wished that I never trusted him. I wished to have never love him. Going to talk to him was a mistake.

Everything was a mistake.

Every laugh that we shared, every moment that we lived through together, every touch, every word that he said, everything was fake. The things that I thought were important for both of us were actually of no matter to him. I shouldn't have let myself get fooled with his smile, with his eyes, with his whole being. I wanted every moment that I cherished with him to be gone forever.

It hurt too much and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about him. The hurtful things that he said replayed again and again in my head without an end. I screamed for them to stop but they only got louder. My head hurt and I wanted to tear my heart out to see the scar that Pierre made.

"Declan, open that door," I heard Joshua say suddenly but I did not make any move nor did I reply to him. 

I was in my bedroom, laying on my bed, with only my boxers on. My room was a complete mess. Everything was upside down. I broke everything that could be broken and destroyed everything in my way. My fists hurt due to the fact that I punched the walls multiple times. I wanted to cause myself physical pain to forget my heartache but it was of no use. 

Everything that I did to myself lately was of no use.

"Declan, open that door!" Joshua shouted and he kicked the door. I could tell that he was losing his patience with me. It was the fifth time that he came to visit me this week. Each day, he would come at my house and knock on my door, trying to get me to open it without any success. I actually did not go to school for an entire week.

I couldn't go there. It was the last place that I wanted to be at. I was trying to avoid seeing Pierre with his new girlfriend. I could clearly imagine them kissing and holding hands and just being happy together and that enraged me. My head was ready to explode and I would surely kill someone if I were to see them kissing again.

I barely left my room. I mostly remained on my bed. Eating was getting rare for me and my throat was completely dry due to the fact that I did not drink water at all. My plan wasn't to starve myself. I just did not feel like doing anything to make me feel better. 

"Damn it!" Joshua cursed out loud and he gave a punch to the door. "Doesn't anyone in this fucking house have a key to the door of his bedroom?"

I let out a laugh at that. 

My family did not seem to care about what was happening to me. My parents did come to see me to ask me why I was not going to the high school and I just had to tell them that I did not want to go for them to allow me to stay home. What I was doing with my life did not matter to them actually. The only one who seemed to care about my well-being was the little Kenny.