Amy: Day 29 (part 2), 'So tell Renjun love is a dangerous business, you can get burned easily literarily,' I sent a text to Sicheng while Mark was in the bathroom.
After a supper with Taeil we returned home but Mark wasn't in the mood, he said he was fine still he locked himself in the bathroom and ignored when I asked if I should get some mediation for his burn.
He came back some time later dressed in boxer shorts and sweatpants then he laid down with his back to me.
"Mark are you mad?" I asked caressing his back.
"No," he whispered with a sour tone.
"Happens to the best one, it's not so bad, no one at school knows," I whispered.
"Taeil knows you know, I'm a loser so don't speak to me," he hugged the pillow and I sighed.
Ok he needed some time to get over his 'burned' man pride.
This was all so ridiculous. Last night we had amazing sex on the beach today we argued about some stupid burn on his butt, really.
So with nothing else to do I got up, put my pajama shirt on to the shorts I was already wearing and started to write my report in bed. It was fortunately big enough so Mark could sleep on the other half with his burn and his pillow.
His breath became steady and I turned to him a few times.
I hoped he won't be mad in the morning, whatever he was mad at, probably himself.
My phone screen lit up and I checked the new message.
'I miss you, Renjun'
My heart sped then beat double fast for a moment. Why? What? I thought he will be over it by now.
I was staring at the message then at the sleeping Mark and back at the message and back at Mark.
'How are you' I texed back feeling how my fingers trembled.
I was back at the lake, back to the square one.
A second later my phone lit up again.
'I talked with the lady with the dog this morning, the story her love went through gave me new hope, she told me to keep trying. To keep knocking, as long as a door will open,' he wrote back and a shiver went down my spine.
But Renjun, no it's not the right door, I... I glanced at Mark again.
'Please don't hurt us, all of us,' I wrote back.
I knew he was probably mad again, as mad as Mark was about his burned butt.
A new message came and I read it quickly.
'I think I got little drunk, don't orry, Yuta will take me, Sicheng'
Precious he's getting drunk and getting laid down in Hawaii, while Renjun is pouring his heart our in front of me and Mark is too mad at his own clumsiness to hug me. What a mess.
'Sorry I... I'm just so confused sometimes. All boys seem so perfect unless you know them too good,' I texted back to Renjun.
'Do you want to skype?' he asked.
'I'll call you in a minute.'
I shivered when I went up, tip toed to the living room closing the door behind me carefully. I wrapped myself up in the fluffy blanket me and Mark were using when we were cuddling on the couch while watching movies.
I pressed Renjun's contact and a moment later the bright daylight of a meadow appeared, he was sitting in the daisy covered grass, an open magazine in front of him, the river Thames behind him, he smiled to me.
I guess I had forgotten how beautiful he was, the dark eyes, the delicate features, he was as skinny as always maybe even a little more.
"Hi," I whispered.
"Hi," he waved with his little hand.
"So how are you for real?" I asked resting the phone against my knee.
"As someone in my situation can be," he smiled in a sad way.
"How's the report?" I asked.
"The one about the immigrants is turning out great the other one, ah," he shook his head. "This book will be the end of us," he whispered.
"Yes the flop of the century, it will end our writing careers," I took a deep breath.
"Do you also think like this?" he looked at me.
"Renjun I'm getting hopeless, it seemed a great plan in the beginning, but now, I don't know anything anymore. I'm scared and doubting. I read details about Yuwin's intimate life I could put into a gay porn book, seriously," I said and Renjun laughed.
"Is he really?' he asked.
"Really, he's so obsessed with Yuta he had written maybe 5 or 6 chapters I can use," I sighed.
"Wow," Renjun took a deep breath.
"Mine are also no help, I'm lonely, honestly, I'm lonely and heartbroken and I hate love," he choked his voice cracking.
"I know," I whispered. "And I... I thought writing it the nihilistic way will make it work, as reality, every day reality is like this, dull, grey, foreseeable, I guess it's so much easier to see all the beauty of someone who is distant who has never been touched by me, here I know every flow, I'm so tired sometimes. Real boys they're tiring, complaining, getting offended, they're smelly, and messy, and forgetful," I felt my jaw trembling. "I wanted to run away so many times but somehow I can't and I don't understand myself, why do I need this strange teenager who is too offended to even hug me at night because he was clumsy enough to burn his butt today when we were kissing at Taeil's," I said letting it out.
"What?" Renjun started to giggle. "Sorry," he muttered.
"No it's just. Sicheng is drunk in Hawaii, and his text said Yuta will take me, great, so tomorrow's report will be about all he had remembered from his drunken sex. I know love is all the couple shit, all this boring super boring stuff, and all this other boring and super boring intimate stuff, but if books were showing how real love works, who would ever read them, who would ever want love, who?" I raised my voice and got scared looking at the bedroom door.
"Is he sleeping?" asked Renjun.
"I hope so," I whispered. "It's easier for you because you have the beautiful imagination of love, that was never touched and robbed by reality. Trust me the thousand kiss is just a kiss," I said and he shivered.
"So what is it then, the thing that keeps you with him?" he asked and I shivered.
"Nothing," I said quickly. "Sorry I need to sleep, I guess Mark woke up," I lied saying bye and turning the call off quickly.
What was it, what, my mind was racing with the emptiness the answer could bring. I got up, folded the blanket tip toed back and laid down inhaling sharply.
I felt Mark moving in bed, he turned around and his arm fell over me.
"I love you," he whispered quietly breathing the air out on my cheek.
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