Amy: Day 221, Taeil invited me over to his friends a nice couple, we ate dinner in their flat joked around. He was very lively, was even ready to sing for us. I knew he felt happy and I enjoyed him being happy for us both.
"I'm gad you're finally more than friends," said the young man.
"Yes," I said blankly.
Taeil looked at me and stayed quiet.
He knew me all too well to be fooled.
"It's ok, you can break up any time," he said when we were walking to the car around midnight.
"I'm ok, I want to forget Mark," I said stopping in the cold air.
"I see how hard you're trying," Taeil took my hand.
"Why isn't it working?" I suddenly burst out falling into his shoulder.
"Because you're doing it against your heart," he said.
"Taeil I don't want to feel it anymore. I can't trust him. He had dated someone just two months after we broke up, he had cheated on me," I said quietly.
"I know," Taeil's voice was calm. "I know it all and I will do my best to help you as much as I can."
I felt so weak. He was there for me all these years. He was still there, still a friend even if we kissed.
He cuddled me for so long till I stopped crying then drove me back to my flat. I kissed him goodnight, left.
There were all these pictures in my head when I was walking back to my apartment undressing, putting my pajamas on, the shorts I used to sleep in and I still had.
I glanced at the remote control placed my hand over it caressed it.
My phone lit up and I saw it was a message from Taeil.
'Goodnight beautiful dreams :***'
I wanted to write back when another one came.
'Mark's single is out and I guess it's about someone I know, Sicheng'
I shivered, the phone fell out of my trembling hands.
No, I wasn't ready to listen to it or was I ready. There was no way around now so I found him on Youtube. It hurt so much his voice his face, the delicate melody.
'I miss you,' he rapped the first line and I wanted to slam the phone against a wall.
'There was this boy
stars and the sky underneath his feet
sunshine life, sex on the beach
There was this girl he loves
Princess Queen, his swing and sing his swing and sing...
There was a lie,'
The melody changed drastically to deep and dark, heavy beats, the scenery from a beautiful pool next to a villa in California to a graffiti covered car park in some ruins.
'I don't deserve mercy
I fucked it up
I hate myself each day
I hate seeing you with him still
I don't deserve to be forgiven I hate myself for it
I love you that's a fact no matter what you think
there will never ever by any one better
You're the love and the A-class
Ferrari, Gucci, diamond sand
If you have everything you don't throw it away
but I lost my only one.
I miss you...'
I stopped the song.
It was too much to listen to all of this. His diss for himself. Mark stop being the victim.
'Have you heard Mark's song?' Taeil's message came and I shivered. 'If you need me I can come,' he added.
'I'm ok,' I wrote back although he knew I'm far from it.
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