Amy: Day 31 (part 2),Was Taeil talking, or was it just in my head, my dream, the perspective was upside down when I opened one eye to see a jacket of someone that was sitting at the other side of the room. The vision was blurry and I tried to listen to the words.
"...here to help, she was so broken, can't you see it, I love her as a brother, you don't need to be jealous about the whole world," I felt how Taeil lifted my head with the pillow and gently placed on the couch when he got up.
I moved opening both eyes and glancing at him then through the room at Mark who was sitting next to the wall with his head down, his suitcase in his hands.
"Oh I've told you you'll wake her up," said Taeil.
"Where are you going?" I asked him.
"Home if you'll need me more call," he said.
"But you can't just leave me..." I begged.
"You two have to talk," he said waving and smiled in a faint way when he walked to the front door disappearing behind it.
I felt the silence buzzing like my head when I sat up on the couch.
Mark wasn't looking at me.
"Why are you here?" I asked as I also couldn't stand the silence.
"I'm sorry," he muttered.
I kept quiet and he lifted his head looking at me in a guilty way.
"I wasn't at my parent'," he said.
"No, why?" I asked.
"I, I don't want to go back to them," he said.
"So you choose the less worse option," I felt even more pain.
"No, I... I was sitting on bench in front of the school freezing and thinking and I met Hinynag and... yes my thinking brought me back here," said Mark.
"And you think you can just burst in here say I'm sorry and we'll be good again?" I asked. "You were yelling at Renjun without a reason when you know exactly what he's been through, you accused me of cheating when you know how much I... I sacrificed to be with you!" I said raising my voice.
"I'm sorry ok," Mark raised his voice too.
We were beck to the beginning it was hopeless.
"I'm sorry ok, I was jealous, I was so mad what do you think I was feeling when I came back home to hear him telling you he can't live without you?" Mark was trembling again. "It hurts damn much," he continued.
"So why are we trying so hard to keep this here, if it hurts so damn much?" I asked tears coming again.
"This here is the best..." he whispered as his chin was trembling. "I realized it hurts a lot more to be out there without you, ok!" Mark rubbed his forehead bit his lower lip to not to cry. "And when I came in and saw you sleeping on Taeil's lap..." he took a breath tears rolling along his cheeks and I felt like glowing like catching fire and burning inside. "I realized... I'm so stupid... the moment I will let go and leave there are... there are so many other guys, nice and smart and good looking, and you're so beautiful and amazing and... I can lose you so easily... and... even Taeil," Mark's voice cracked he used his sleeve to dry the tears but new were constantly coming. "Taeil is a guy and he's your age, and handsome, and... and he could be a man for you and... I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid to lose you, that when I heard Renjun talking today... I'm sorry," he slid down the wall and knelt on the carpet while each of his words was cutting through me.
I couldn't look at him or listen so I got up.
"I... I'll go to sleep or I'll boil over," I whispered leaving the room.
"I will sleep on the couch," he said quietly and I heard him sobbing loud when I closed the bedroom door.
I was like in fever shivering all over, cold chills running down my body when I tried to relax but failed. I laid down, hugged a pillow and rolled myself in the duvet feeling so broken like I've never been before. Were we over for real?
The door crackled.
"I'm sorry I need to use the bathroom," whispered Mark.
"Go ahead," I muttered form the pillow.
He only walked through the room sneaking back half an hour later, closed the bedroom door quietly as I was pretending I'm asleep, I felt the silence getting long, minutes seemed like days and I sat up in bed switching the light on, opening the laptop and trying to write but the words weren't there, I slammed the laptop shut.
'I'm so sorry I hope you and Mark are ok again I didn't want to ruin anything,' Renjun sent me a text that glittered in the darkness of the bedside table.
I placed the laptop on Mark's part of the bed and pressed my knees to me, the night was getting long, it seemed endless, like my pain. But he was right, I was right, and he was wrong, I was wrong.
I felt my insides twisting and my hands sweating when I walked up to get some water from the kitchen. I opened the living room door tiptoed inside stopping to see Mark lying on the couch wrapped up in the fluffy blanket that was matching his white t-shirt, his hands under his head his eyes wide open when he was staring at the ceiling.
He glanced my way and I shivered.
"I just... want some water," I muttered walking towards the kitchen. I pressed the third door switched the light on moved towards the fridge and stopped leaning against it. Was it all an excuse to see him to be with him in one room for a moment. I couldn't sleep anyway not with him being so far away, yet so close. I opened the fridge took the icy water out, filled a glass, walked back with it switching the light off. I stopped on the living room carpet glancing Mark's way. He caught my stare and I saw some hope glittering in his eyes.
I bit my lip when I walked to the couch placed the water one the coffee table and sat down next to him his heat getting to me immediately filling my body with so much more than pain. Was he the disease the remedy, the only cure.
"I'm mad at you," I said quietly.
"I know," he whispered and I turned his way while he lifted the blanket a little.
I felt my heart hammering when I laid down next to him facing him with my back.
His warm arms were cautious when he moved them around me.
"But I can't sleep either way," I muttered feeling this warm breath on the back of my neck.
Mark stayed quiet he just held me and I felt the pain releasing, at least a little, a little more than when I was sleeping on Taeil's lap, I tried my best to be as distant to him as possible in this closeness still I could only fall asleep when I took his hand in mine and intertwined our fingers tightly.
Actually a part of me was so relieved that he came back. I glanced at the suitcase still standing next to the opposite wall and I shivered, hoping our connected hands will be reason enough to unpack it.
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