LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

The Complexity of Pride

By Miya

~

It was a few months after I was most certain of my sexual/romantic attraction. I was head over heels IN LOVE with this girl in my school choir. She literally rearranged my whole world, and upon finding out she was bisexual, I was practically ready to do anything for this one girl.

Eventually, I found the courage to ask her out, and "luckily" for me, she accepted. I had already told her I liked her weeks before, but I didn't ask her out until her friend spilled that she liked me back. Let's just call this girl--the one I was madly in love with--let's call her Chris, yeah?

Anyways. I gave Chris my all but this was my first ever relationship and I had no idea how to "do" it, especially since I wasn't open about my sexuality to my family yet. We went on a date, I can remember--I just told my mom we were friends. We saw Beauty And The Beast, the new live-action one by Disney. I loved it. I loved her.

And I was dealing with a lot. Love, anxiety, depression, and the fear of coming out. So when Chris broke up with me partly because of my mental illness, I freaked out. I was heartbroken. There was a lot that happened before (i.e. me breaking down at a cast afterparty and Chris not even giving me a second glance despite being right in front of me) but I don't really want to go into that. The point is, I spent over four months wallowing in self-pity and wasted effort.

But Chris was an experience I want to remember fondly. I just can't. So while I miss her with every part of my soul and heart, it was for the best. As soon as she was gone, I realized my mistakes.

Long story short, I've changed since than. I no longer reference mental illness as a joke, and in my current relationship with a girl I adore, I tell her I love her plenty of the time.

Because my largest regret with Chris was not telling her how much I loved her enough.

Don't let anyone tell you that LGBTQ+ relationships are easy and simple. Dude, they can get complicated as heck. But I'm alive.