Dear Moon, Your Star Loves You

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by lgbtq

by lgbtq

By Ji

I guess last year when I discovered I was asexual and came out to my friends and family was when I began my journey into this community.

I'm thankful for my friend who got me through that. Who's gotten me through everything. She's the reason I became a happier person, even though I usually am crying because of her. Not because she's bullying me or anything like that at all! In fact, she's absolutely wonderful.

The thing is, I think I love her. And another thing, I'm not entirely sure how long I've exactly felt this way or if it's romantic or not.

For sure, I realized I get jealous when she's around other people or when they're around her more than me. (Maybe I'm just possessive??) I figured out that I might like her last year, but I kinda suppressed it until the summer when I told an old friend of mine how I felt. Then, I realized I really do like her- even if I'm not sure if it's romantic or platonic.

Then my extracurricular stuff started in the summer, and I waited for her to return from her vacation so we could power through this together like we promised we would.

She returned, but she did not go back to our old extracurricular activity. I was completely and utterly devastated. The hope I had that practice wouldn't be lonely anymore when she and I reunited was gone. Now replaced with the numbness of loneliness (despite my new friend but she couldn't replace -let's call her- Rosa).

I would look at the cubby that had her name on it. They had spelled it wrong and I hadn't told Rosa because I was waiting for her to see it so I could laugh. It's not there anymore; I should have taken a picture.

It was the only place we would ever hang out, and now it's gone. I had never been without her for so long in the extracurricular activity since we started together in sixth grade. And because Rosa was gone, I lost all my drive and motivation and fell into a bigger depression.

I failed. I didn't make it to region, and everyone was so surprised. Because I'm 'good'.

I'm not trying to blame her for it- It wasn't her choice to leave but it wounded me so much. And only seeing Rosa after school for barely 15 minutes wasn't enough to balance out the negativity in the activity I so loved.

We say 'I love you' to each other because why wouldn't we? We're best friends! See, here's where my confusion starts:

1- I'm asexual. And for a while, I believed I was aromantic (still kinda unsure) even though I had a crush/squish on this guy I've literally never talked to for all of middle school. I'm pretty sure I just felt pressured to like someone and ended up liking him. I don't know what it's like to be in love, also because I'm young, but I do know I don't think of her as just a friend. I do have other friends to compare her to, but also no because shes my closest friend. See my problem?

2- She's bi, so my hope that maybe she might like me too isn't completely impossible.

3- She and I both agree that we're the closest friends in each other's lives. But like the thing is, she doesn't exactly act like it- or maybe because I'm overdramatic and clingy.

She doesn't always tell me how she feels- which she doesn't have to but I want to know if she's alright or not.

So, giving all that info, I'm pretty sure I'm demiromantic asexual, but i have no problem looking at boys and girls.

I think this might just be one part, but we'll see...

Till next time, all I hope you take from this is:

It's hard being in love(?) with your best friend.

Thanks for reading, good luck on your own journeys guys :)

-Sending love from Paris