LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

The Gay Ramblings of a Transgender Teen

By Alex Apollo Xx_Ace_Of_Hearts_xX

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Hello, internet. I'm Alexander Apollo Montgomery. No, that's not my actual last name. I prefer Montgomery to my real one. I'm ashamed of my real last name, to be quite honest. Just because it links me to my conservative Christian homo-hating parents.

Not that I have a problem with Christians in general. I myself am Christian, but you surely understand what I mean. I'm ftm transgender, asexual, and pan romantic. It's taken me a while to figure this out, since I was raised to hate the lgbtq community.

I wish I could be proud of who I am, but it's kind of hard to when I'm kind of going against their backs just to tell this, my story. My mum is always calling us freaks, saying we'll go to hell, and such. It makes me sick.

Anything we don't see eye to eye on she justifies by pulling the religion card. "God made animals to be eaten" "Gays can't have kids because they go against god" um like bro gays can't have kids because they're too cool for that, excuse you...Anyway, she's always saying things like this, getting under my skin, and then recently it quite recently got under my skin.

I carved the word "freak" into my arm, and that technically wasn't my first act of self harm. I'm depressed, I have been for a while, it's just that it's such an easy thing to hide that most people aren't even aware that I am. I've only told one person that I'm depressed and that it's this bad. She's been there for me through this, letting me rant to her, and she's been a big help.

She uses the right name and pronouns and is very considerate. Then there's my squish...she's really great. These two people are like the most important and trusted humans in my life. I'll never trust my mum the way I used to, now that she's gone and invaded my privacy.

She found all this pride stuff when she was sneaking in my room whilst I was elsewhere. I haven't trusted her since, as I'm sure she hasn't trusted me since. She wanted me to completely abandon my friend group, saying that they had changed me and all this crap. It wasn't their fault I was starting to question myself. And then I thought more about it and I was like, "Well, why am I pan /sexual/? When would I ever want to have sex because I sure don't right now!"

So then I found out about asexual and that label so totally fit. Then I started questioning gender. I'd never been what you'd call a girly girl. Mum had me wear bows and dresses and skirts and all that shiznit, and I never really had much of a choice but to go with it. But as I got older I fell in love with hoodies and sweats. I hated not having a flat chest. I hated anything that made me look feminine. So I adopted the label non binary/gender queer to give myself the freedom from gender labels that I needed. I continued to question my gender though, and decided on demi boy before finally landing on trans gender.

And yeah, that's it basically. It's boring, I apologize. I'm only out to a select few people, for paranoia reasons. I spend my days fantasizing about chopping off my hair, and getting to be myself. I wish I didn't have to be so ashamed of myself, but despite my shame I'm still kinda proud deep down or I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't change myself to be straight cis gender for anything. I don't care if my mum and dad won't like it. I don't care if this whole community of narrow minded rednecks doesn't like it. I crave to be myself. I wish it were possible, but this is Tennessee.

People like me are so hated by practically everyone. It sucks. But I take solace in thinking that, in like five years, I'll be free and will have been free for a while, and I'll be happy, finally, away from here.