LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

Finding Myself - Kinda Lonely But Whatevs

By Jennie

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Recently I've discovered that I am a lithromantic-asexual. Asexual is a common term, however lithromantic... not as much. It is a romantic orientation on the aro spectrum which means I enjoy romantic relationships, but only in theory.

Although I wouldn't necessarily call this a milestone, I'd still like to share my story for anyone struggling through something similar.

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Although my story starts since the day I entered first grade, I think it'd be less time consuming and more interesting to start from sixth grade instead.

In sixth grade I was only aware of the three main sexualities usually depicted: Homosexual, Bisexual, and Heterosexual. I wasn't aware of any others. At this point in my life I had developed a crush on a boy in my class, a tall blonde who I've known since Kindergarten. The crush started years ago, starting as a way to relate to other kids in my class, which all had crushes, and developing into a longing to talk to him, even about the simplest things. My heart raced, and I hoped he would notice, however, I soon gave up when I came to realize he had developed feelings for my friend, and she had developed feelings for him. One thing led to another and they began to date, snapping me back to reality. My crush soon faded.

Not very soon after, I developed another crush on a boy, another blonde, also tall, this one, however, smarter, handsomer, and funnier. I didn't know much about him, I just knew I felt something.

This crush lasted a year, but oh boy was it great. I felt a funny feeling in my stomach every time I thought of him and I loved it.

However, like the last, it faded. By this point, I had friends come out to me as bi, trans, pan, and ace. I myself identified as an asexual.

Now here's where it gets interesting:

I began to notice a difference in seventh grade between my crushes and my friends'. My crushes, although lasting long periods of times, didn't occur very often, and I never felt a desire to actually date any of them. I hoped they liked me, but didn't want them to ask me out. It drove me crazy and I had to find out.

I went through a stage of many labels. Ace, to demi, back to ace, and back and forth searching for a label. I needed to know I wasn't crazy. I needed to know there were others like me.

After not too long, I gave up and just called myself aro. It was easier to pretend I didn't feel anything at all. I lied when people asked me if I ever had a crush. I lied when asked if I wanted to get married. I lied to cover the truth that I felt alone.

I had always planned on getting married and adopting children. I already struggled with the fact that my husband might not be ace like me, but now I had a different fear. What if I never love anyone enough to ever get married?

For nights I cried myself to sleep. I was so confused. Was I insane? I wanted to grow old with someone, but I couldn't develop enough feelings to even flirt with another person, let alone be in a relationship.

Then came eighth grade.

I entered marching band where I made many new friends, one specifically being a 9th grade boy. He was tall and smart, like the rest, however this one has curly brown hair and a love for music, like me. We started out as friends, later becoming best friends. However, I realized too late I had developed feelings.

He was dating my friend, a girl my height, with long brown hair and glasses. However it didn't bother me. Although I was sad to see him with another girl, I was ecstatic! I had a crush! There was hope for me, even if it wasn't with this boy.

It inevitably faded.

Afterwards I had a rough period of time. I found out my brother smoked weed, he was hooking up with underaged girls when we weren't home, he was sneaking out at night, he lied to my face on multiple occasions. However one thing affected me more than anything else could. ""I'm leaving,"" he said.

He left my parents and I that same night. He dropped out of college and I couldn't understand why. I was angry and sad and confused and so scared. I didn't know what to do. Our relationship had never been the same from then on. It's been less than a year since that day, but he barely visits, we barely talk, I don't know crap about what's going on in his life and he doesn't know what's going on in mine. I love him, and I know he loves me, but that makes it even harder. Thinking about him hurts, even as I write this. It's easier for me to forget he exists than to remember what he did.

I'm not against stoners, or college drop outs. It's your choice. However, my brother lied to everyone around him. He said my mom kicked him out. He said my mom took his car and phone. He said terrible things about my mother when she did nothing to deserve it and then he got up and left leaving me with the guilt I know I shouldn't have felt of being ""the only one he loved."" Struggling with my romantic orientation and crying every night over this all at the same time hit me hard, especially since only months before my life had been perfect. I wasn't used to this pain.

I still cried myself to sleep at night when I remember I wouldn't love someone anymore than in theory. I still do. But then one day I came across a video. At this point I was desperate to know what I was. I couldn't struggle with it anymore.

The video was about the aro/ace spectrum. It's where I first came across the term lithromantic.

I immediately knew that was what I was.

With every other label I gave myself I felt uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't right, I could feel it, but with this one I knew it was the one.

I was so happy to know I wasn't the only one. So I text all my lgbt friends, ""guys I figured it out! I'm so happy!"" along with an explanation of the sexuality.

No reply.

A few hours later I receive another text in the group chat. ""Cool. Do you know if we have any homework?""

At this point I realized, I was alone. No one cared. This joy I was showing, these tears coming from my eyes, they meant nothing to my friends. I was alone.

Recently I realized I don't want to have children. It's a felt I've been struggling with, but I learned very recently to accept it. I realized I'll never get married, never have the grandkids my parents want, never have anyone to look up to me, to grow old with. I'll never have anyone to remember who I was, or tell my story. I will fade out in history only decades after I die.

And although it hurts, although tears stream down my face while I write this, I've learned to accept it.

I want anyone going through this, a wanting to be with someone but not being capable of the emotions to feel attached to someone, to know, it'll be okay. I'm here for you.

So yeah. If you managed to get to the end of this thank you. I know my problems probably don't seem like much, like I'm being overly sensitive, but it affects me a lot, and I want to say thank you to everyone who read til the end.

So yeah that's pretty much where I am right now. But I'm proud of myself or accepting who I am.

Yeah so that's it. Bye!