LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

From Straight, to Bi, to Pan, to Finally Gay

By Gummy Min

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Honestly, before realising my real sexuality I always had crushes on boys. Although, I did find the occasional few girls pretty and cute. I just always liked boys.

However, it was only recently that I started questioning my sexuality and whoever the heck I really liked and what gender. It was so confusing I just didn't know.

That was until, I started developing a crush on this boys. Let's call this boy A. A was my first crush from my school this year ( 2017 ) and I'm not sure if I can really call it a crush honestly. Sure, he was cute and adorable and so freaking fluffy, but I just didn't show any signs of liking him. I liked him because he was visually loveable, not personality loveable. For me at least.

I fought with myself for a while wether or not I really liked him, if I really wanted to be in a relationship with him. I got so mad and confused I just ended up forcing myself to like him, to be normal and have a crush on a normal guy. Well, I guess you already know that didn't work out.

I was so convinced A and I would grow up and get married and have children. Yeah, unrealistic, I know. But, I hoped. Anyways, I only realised that I really didn't like him that much when I discovered the other sexuality's.

Aka, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual, Bicurious and Gay/Lesbian. Possibly more. I first discovered gay, and just shook my head and said no. It felt wrong to limit myself to having to like one gender and possibly getting hurt for it. I didn't like the idea of being gay, but I had absolutely no problem with being friends with gay people and such and actually admired them. Although, I have never met anyone gay before. It's just uncommon where I live.

So, I chose bisexual. I thought I could just stick to boys and not get judged for having a crush on a girl. I tried so hard to not like girls, but something snapped and I broke and I got my very first crush on a girl. Let's call her R.

R was visually loveable and so was her amazing and adorable personality. I liked her so freaking much it hurt to even think about her. I just thought, well, maybe I should see if I was still bisexual. And trust me, I hoped from the bottom of my heart that I was.

I asked myself,

" If I could like one person on this earth, what gender would it be? "

And I answered girl.

" Think of the hottest person in your mind, what gender are they? "

Once again, I answered girl.

" If the girl I dated ended up having males genitals, would I still date her? "

And finally, I answered yes.

I then began to identify with pansexual without really knowing the actually meaning.

And suddenly months later, all sexual activity and mentions of it made me cringe and want to curl up into a ball and die. Trust me, I'm usually a very mature person and don't usually want to hide away at the fact of something that five year olds would giggle at. I just couldn't help it and began searching up anything that could identify me. It came up with ' asexual '. There it was in bold letters right in front of me, asexual.

It didn't take me long to process it, but it was more of the fact of trying to knock out any doubts in my mind that I was really attracted to boys. I just pushed them away and didn't like the thought of not liking boys. It just seemed so foreign to think about not liking them.

That was until I grew up a bit and swallowed down the fact that maybe I just couldn't be normal. I had to get over that fact that I couldn't be like any other girl and grow up, get married in any country I wanted and have kids with the actual father. I just had to get passed that and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Only 3 people know I'm gay, not including my parents. And trust me, the way they act I don't think I ever in my entire life want them to find out. But, finding out what I really was made me so proud of myself and helped me discover myself in so many ways it shocked me.

And no, R and I never got together. Although, I still have a chance!