LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

And Everything Felt Bubbly

By Kittine Lucilelovemuffin

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I guess, it all "started" in 8th grade. Well, that's when I had my first girlfriend, but in all actuality, it started so much earlier.

It was a cold spring, as it was every year it hadn't stopped snowing until may, in anchorage AK where I was from. And I sat with an elementary school friend of mine, I say elementary school friend because we don't talk anymore, she was feeling under the weather so I leaned over and put my lips to her forehead to see if she was running a temperature. Luckily she wasn't. I stood up and I get a weird look from a boy(I do In fact remember his name, and it's a common name, so I don't think it matters if I use it) who's name was Riley, it wasn't a really hateful, he was really confused and he did kinda look upset but, not too much.

"Did you just kiss her?" He asked plain as day. I didn't kiss her, so I just said No. But of course that lead to a follow up question.

"Are you a lesbian?"

"Are you gay?"

I felt my face go red and ears burn. I was mad. I really shouldn't have been. Maybe because it was all of that stuff that was going around in T.V. You know, like that the storm is coming commercial, I think it was around then, not sure. All I know is this time I shouted "No I didn't!", and "No I'm not!" I was utterly embarrassed, because I thought being gay wasn't ok for me, I know other people are gay, but I wasn't supposed to be, and looking back on that, it makes me confused.

My first slight realization was a little bit later that month. It was coming to the end of the year, and one of my other friends held a birthday party, her name was Katie. She was tall for a fifth grader, well maybe just tall for a person, she had shoulder length black hair and brown eyes. She was an all around cute girl. Katie had a sleep over at a hotel, it was a lot of fun, we had ended up watching diary of a wimpy kid on pay per view, a few other girls were there too. We had two beds in the room. So three in one bed three in the other. I ended up sleeping in the bed with Katie and another girl. (The other girl was Lexi. She didn't really like me that much. XD) Katie lay in the middle of the bed, I had never been closer to another girl outside of sharing a bed with my older sisters, and it made my heart pound. I felt bubbly, but I was never ready to admit it when I was that age. But I liked her. I liked her a lot. And it makes me sad that I had never gotten to see where that would have went.

So let's move up to my eighth grade year, (I'm going into tenth grade now.) I get my first girl friend. (She is actually on Wattpad so I'm gonna use a fake name for her) let's call her France. So France just switched into my school with her twin (they are also on Wattpad so another fake name.) Let's call them Germany. They both became quick friends with me and my friends because we all liked to draw/write/rp and were into anime. I kinda actually had a crush on France's twin Germany, but Germany was in like with one of my other friends, so I ended up letting that be. I asked France if she liked anyone, and she said: "I like three people, two boys and one girl." And I was like. "Oh cool. Who are they." She told me the names of the guys and she said the girl that she liked was me. It was in a crowded middle school hallway, figures, it was right after courtyard time, so I didn't really know if she was serious. That night I went home and I told my older sister Sara about this, and she was all for it, she told me to go after this, and so I did.

The next day I put on my nicest dress, and went to school, I wanted to talk to France as soon as possible, so I stopped by her locker and waited for her to get there. When she finally did, I asked her if she was serious if she liked me, and she said she was, so I asked her if she would like to be my girlfriend and she said yes. I was so happy. Right after that her and I went off to go to our first period class rooms, and we bumped into each other, I remember the grin that spread across our faces and the blush that was on my face as I shyly looked away. I was absolutely euphoric. We went on our separate ways to class. What was even more amazing is that when I went home and told my parents, there was no issue. My mom was fine as long as I was happy and my dad told me after I said "I'm dating a girl now." "So what? I've dated plenty of them." It was an amazing day.

France and I grew closer. To the point where we even went out on a date, of course her parents (and Germany were there.) but it was so nice. We went to the movies, we saw 10 Cloverfield Lane. During the car crash in the beginning, we held hands because it had made us both jump. She also gave me a handmade card on Valentine's Day, which she had spelled my name wrong on, but I didn't care. I was happy.

We went on a field trip that year, to explore about Lewis and Clark. That Monday was really terrifying for me, because the Saturday before that, my sister Cheryl and I had gotten in a fight. Well an argument that turned into a fight, she started yelling homophobic slurs at me and then dumped a bottle of baby's milk on me, which I responded by throwing a cup of cold soup at her. She grabbed my hair and slammed me back against the closet doors of my room, she started hitting my head and face with her fists, I couldn't hear anything, I started seeing stars. I couldn't even push her back I just tried to dig my nails into her arm. After a few moments she tossed me, and I do mean tossed, onto my bed, I made some kind of animal struggling scream, and the next thing I remember is my sister saying running in screaming: "How could you do this?!" At me. I hardly knew what was happening. A few hours later my sisters packed up their stuff (they were all well over 18, Cheryl was actually almost thirty.) and went back to Alaska.

I was bruised, I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to cry in front of my friends, but I went anyways. I had everything ready for the field trip, I waited in the cafeteria with my group, along with Germany and my best friend Ari. France's step mom was one of the chaperones, she was so amazingly kind. She saw the bruised side of my face, she walked up to me, I couldn't look at her, and just gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I wanted to give her a hug, my day went a lot better because of that.

The last bit of eighth grade year went by fine, we had a party, I took photo's with my friend and one with France. It was so much fun. Nothing really happened until the summer, when my grandfather died. I wanted so desperately to talk to France, but she wasn't taking any of my calls or texting me back . The thing was, Germany was talking to me. I felt like I was dying, which is an over statement none the less. Things got a little better when we met up again that school year, she was part of marching band, and I would go to football games to hang out with her.

Homecoming game was one that was so much fun, the homecoming dance was right after that, and I thought France was gonna come and be there too. She wasn't. She had forgotten to tell me that there was family stuff that her parents wanted to do. That was fine. I was fine with that. Because we had ended up sitting together drinking hot cider we had gotten at the concessions during break. I thought that was fine. And it was then. But a month or two later, it was not so fine.

We weren't talking that much anymore. I felt neglected. I was trying to talk to her more, but she didn't have the time because of all the after school stuff she was in. And I thought as long as we could still see each other at school, that that was fine. But it wasn't. I was so sad for a while, I even thought about breaking up with her, I didn't. I wanted to give it a little more time. I guess I gave it too much because she broke up with me. She had brought a friend with her when she told me, that kinda made me feel worse, but I guess break ups are tough on both parties?

Hah. France had even started dating a guy a bit later, That wasn't so bad, he was a senior guy. But as it turns out, a few months after that, she was actually straight. Or is straight. Which is perfectly fine. But that brought everything to me and made me realize, I wasn't exactly straight. It made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I was lonely. In a romantic sense, but because of all that I knew who I was growing into, I felt like I was ok being who I am.