LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

Through The Thorns

By Avie

~

Uh, hi. You can call me Avie. I'm a genderfluid panromantic (romantic, because I've absolutely no idea how sexual feelings really turn up), but not a lot of people around me knew that.Only few students knew about my gender. It's just my current friend circle (I've been in a lot of groups), and very few people outside of it. Sure, it may seem uplifting: "Hey! That's awesome, your friends support you!"Yeah, but . . . what's next?Three months after I identified myself (I first discovered myself last May), I started having doubts. No, it wasn't "Oh, was I even correct?" It was more like "What did I do to become this? What happened? Why wasn't the same as before?"I fell into depression due to overthinking these. I still am in it, though I feel like it's rubbing off now. But back then, there was a huge weight on my heart — like any second, it'll break with a single CRACK. But I concealed it. I bottled it up. I always bottled my feelings up for as long as it matters, since I thought I'd use those for something useful, not wasting it on anyone with unneeded violence and tears.That was a bad mistake. And I was told that.The day after this weight came in, I went off to tell someone I'll call L, who's just one of the most kindhearted boys I ever knew. But having only talked to him a few times before this incident, I didn't know that.I confessed a lot. I opened up. I told him my gender, my depression, everything. I was holding back tears (I told him that too) while typing everything I could remember.His only response: "Don't hold it back. Don't bottle your feelings up either, it only gets harder for you to show it. Cry if you need to. It's alright."That did it. The tears were threatening to come out, so I typed before I left for the bathroom: "Excuse me.""Yeah, take your time."I quickly set my device aside and ran for the bathroom, drying my face on my towel.That was only one instance of L helping me. As I said earlier, he's one of the kindest boys I've ever met. He even said he'd keep my gender and depression a secret if he needs to, but I told him that the others needed to know. L and I opened up to the others during one lunch break, and everyone was okay with it. (One even said: "It doesn't matter if you're a boy, girl, whatever. As long as you're human, you're good.")I'm still a little depressed till today. I had another talk with L yesterday, this time telling him my real doubts. I felt that because of this sudden change of gender, my old personality faded. I started becoming a little pessimistic, having an inconsistent voice (either I get too loud or too quiet), and . . . just, it was never myself from before.And I don't plan on telling my parents. Yet."I'm not telling my parents," I said to L. We had the talk in person, face-to-face."Why not?"I took a deep breath. "I realized how hard it will be for them to accept that their little princess turned like this. I mean, maybe my mom would be okay, having seen me grow up, but my dad . . . he knew me as his princess."My dad works overseas, by the way. He only comes home every six months and goes off to work after three or more months. So he never saw me know my entire life."Are you ever gonna tell them?" L asked."Maybe during college. When I'm confident of myself and brave enough to show it. But . . . " This is where I turned rather pessimistic. "Who knows if I'll ever be able to tell them? What if the people I want to tell were already gone by the time I get the courage?"I told him my doubts about having changed. "I just don't feel like myself anymore. This isn't me before.""You were happy back then?"I considered the question. Then I nodded."Well, people change," he said quietly. "Change happens in life all the time. And it's for the better.""So what if it isn't for the better?" I asked tentatively.He looked at me with a hint of a smile. "Trust me. That's impossible."And he gave me a couple of jokes and funny moments with a friend (whom I'll call E), which involved Milkita (a local milk lollipop) and Despacito (which L hates with a passion). Let's just say, my heart was lifted. It really felt like the right choice to tell this silly guy, out of all the friends I could've talked to. Even my best friends.So yes, I'm in the phase of accepting who I really am. And this guy had the key to help me out of the cage. L and I became close friends, and believe me — it was amazing. I started hanging out a lot with him and the rest of the friend circle, which kept growing over lunch breaks and Exploding Kittens (often with E picking up the exploding kitten card two turns in a row and complaining that it was scripted).L, I love you. Platonically. But who knows? After all, you're the one who saw through the thorns and pulled out the golden fruit to help.