LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

The Concept of Love

By Astrid

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Throughout my life I never quite understood the concept of love. Besides my adoration for my family and friends, romance was never on my radar. No boy ever caught my eye.

I remember once in year three my best friend came to me and told me she had a crush on this one boy. She then proceeded to ask who I liked, I replied nobody but, alas, she did not believe me. So, she persisted. Over and over again she asked me who I liked, every time I replied that I didn't like anyone.

It got to a point, however, where this fact bugged me. I felt like I needed to like someone and, so, I named the one boy I was closest to. Morgan.

She got really, really excited and I pretended to be excited with her, knowing that it wasn't true. In fact, I tried to convince myself that I liked Morgan. I told my mum, my favourite cousin. I told myself.

It didn't work.

I couldn't force it upon me, I didn't feel anything past friendship for this boy.

That didn't stop me from trying, though.

From then on I spent years trying to force myself to like someone. My mum's best friend's son, my younger friend's older brother, my male best friends, the boys who liked me. It never worked. I always came out the other end crushless, so to speak.

That was, until year nine.

When year nine came, I gained a deep obsession with a celebrity, Shailene Woodley. She was amazing in my eyes, my camera roll was filled up with pictures of just her. I knew every random fact about her. I was obsessed.

My friends joked around about this being a celebrity crush, I joined in. I didn't realise the truth.

It was at the end of that year that I did realise.

I had recently gone through a pretty tough situation that still haunts me today and my mental health was low. I was depressed, anxious and upset, my feelings were at full volume. Including love.

I remember having a conversation with my friends and I had jokingly stated something, immediately after it hit me with full force.

I'm gay.

At first, I laughed it off, I didn't tell anyone. I tried to force liking boys upon me, I convinced myself I was bisexual. It felt more normal to me, as if liking boys is a requirement.

That didn't last for long.

Eventually, I realised I was a lesbian. I like girls and girls only, I don't have the slightest feelings towards boys and never will have.

For a long time I told very few people, eventually I came out to my friends and recently there was a predicament with my mum but I won't go into the details and the nitty gritty.

Now, I'm pretty open about my sexuality, mainly at school. At home there are a few complications regarding homophobia. Either way, my friends make me feel so safe and happy with my sexuality. It's a normal thing, they aren't homophobic nor do they think that just because I'm a lesbian I'll like them.

I'm thankful for these people and for everyone facing a negative situations regrading friend groups just know that there are people like my friends out there, accepting people who will love you no matter who you love. I was lucky to have found them before I even knew I was gay but for some of you, you'll just have to search.

Lots of love and good luck ♥️