Coming Out

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by lgbtq

by lgbtq

Anonymous

One thing I can say for sure is that I am not sure of my sexuality. Sometimes I grasp one label so tightly that I start doubting it, and that doubt turns into me getting rid of the label completely. Only to go back to it later.

As I write this I am currently somewhere between identifing as a Lesbian or Bisexual, maybe a lesbian but Biromantic. It's hard to figure out what's a crush and what's not, what's sexual attraction and what's not. One thing I know is that I like girls. Period.

This journey has led me to watching many YouTubers like MilesChronicals, Ally Hills, Hannah Hart, etc. One piece of advice I always got was ""Don't come out until your sure. Till no one can change your mind.""

I wasn't ready to come out. But one day while eating breakfast the inevitable happened and I forgot to erase some videos out of my YouTube history. Not anything bad, just the Coming Out Song and How To Tell If A Girl Is A Lesbian (By Ally Hills)

I wasn't planning on coming out, but little did I know that I would end up coming out with that song, just not in the way I expected.

Flash forward to the next day, and while ironically I was eating breakfast again, my mom came up to me with the iPad that I didn't know was connected to my YouTube account. As she pointed to my search history asking ""What is this?"" My heart was racing.

""It's n- nothing"" Was the only thing I could say.

""Your not gay, are you?"" She asked. And then I started crying.

I ran upstairs, not wanting to talk to her. This was not what I needed. I had a test, I had school in an hour!

She dragged my Dad upstairs with her, hoping that I would be more willing to talk to him, which I was, but it didn't matter at that point.

The thing about my mom is that she's a crier, and she's a gossiper.

I was more worried she was going to tell someone else than I was that she would accept me.

My parents are very liberal, I knew I would be accepted. But my grandpa on my Dad's side is not. He protested at the Target transgender bathroom rally thing in Florida. My worst fear was him finding out.

My parents were trying to calm me down with ""It's ok's"". But they wanted answers. Something I just didn't have. They wanted to know all the crushes I've ever had, and my mom kept gesturing back to ""crushes"" I had on boys, more specifically my neighbor, that I had IN FOURTH GRADE.

They wanted to know why, how long, when, are you sure? All questions I couldn't answer.

The only people who knew that weren't my parents were a few close friends who came out to me first. No one else knew, not even my best friend who my mom kept asking if I had a crush on (I used to, a while ago, but she's ridiculously straight. Watching P!ATD videos because ""Brendan Urie's Hot"")

When I was younger my mom would block out shows where LGBT couple's appeared, or I am Jazz commerical's, or Katy Perry's ""I Kissed A Girl""

I knew my mom had changed and learned that she was just going to have to accept it, but she wasn't ready for one of her family members, let alone her kids, to come out.

I was scared. Things were ackward. But In the end they worked out for me. I stopped crying. I went to school. We've had minimal talking about it since.

I hope one day I'll figure it out. I'm 14. I shouldn't be trying to put my whole life together, but that's a thing that I saddly try to do all the time.

What I've learned is that things happen when you don't expect them too. I still haven't told my mom I might be Bisexual/Romantic (But currently I'm leaning towards Lesbian heavily) When I tried she said, ""Oh, not that"" In a dark light.

Now that I've come out to them as a Lesbian, I'm under so much pressure to keep that label, so I don't have to come out again.

I talked my mom into not telling anyone else but asking for advice from my doctor (Just because I'm very high anxiety, and probably have a disorder that I just started going to counseling for, so It's undiagnosed so far. She really wanted to make sure this stress wouldn't drive me insane)

Coming Out is scary, and I sometimes want to slip back into that closet. It's still ackward to talk about. But now I know I'm accepted, even if things were and still are sometimes weird between us.

I still don't know who I am, and the thought coming out again scares me, also coming out to other family. My grandma has said ""Well nobody's family is perfect, (My grandpa on Mom's side) has gay nieces"" While talking to my aunt.

But now I know have support if I need it, and that almost makes it all worth

If anyone has advice I will gladly take it.