LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

Confused and Desperate

By Jordan

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i'm jordan (female) and i'm 14 years old. a few years ago one of my friends asked me if i ever wondered if i was bi. at the time i had never really thought about it. i didn't think too much of it. time passed and i began to think more and more about it. i realized that maybe i do like girls too. i told my best friend that i am bi. she supported me, which makes sense because she is one of the people that asked me if i ever questioned it. thinking about it, i can think of quite a few things that i did when i was younger that show i like girls. i've never actually kissed a girl, but i just know. i've never kissed anyone actually. straight people know they like the opposite sex before they have their first kiss, so how is it any different?

i came out to a few of my close friends and my mom. they all support me. i am beyond thankful. unfortunately, one of my closest friends has been telling me that she doesn't really support the lgbtq+ community which is upsetting and i'm so scared to come out to her but i can take all the time i need. no one is forcing me to.

recently i've been thinking though, and i'm starting to wonder if i'm lesbian. i just feel like every time i've had a boyfriend, i've broken up with them because i don't like them or i feel awkward with them. for example, my most recent boyfriend tried to kiss me on the cheek and i literally swerved out of the way. even better, it happened twice. it happened in front of his friends. i felt so bad. i covered it up by saying it was a joke, but i don't think anyone believed me. i'm just wondering if i don't actually like guys or maybe it's just that all of the guys in my school are gross. i'm really confused. i feel like kissing a girl and a guy would answer so many of my questions. i want to kiss a girl wayyyy more though to be honest. kissing a guy seems weird and for people who are attracted to guys it's not supposed to seem weird right? I don't know man. i am confusion.