LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

Ashamed of Existing

By Fi XxDestielLordxX

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Hey, it's me again, back one year later with another story. I think I was in book 1 and mine was called "Pink and Blue Scissors" anyways.

This story of mine is based over a 2 year time period. Grade 8 and grade 9 (I'm in grade 11 now). I've been question whether or not I'm gay or not since I was 9 and I've always sort of just pushed it away and continued on. But it seemed that others were more sure of my sexuality than me. I cut my hair the summer before 8th grade and my hair was pretty much gone. Everyone said I looked ugly and that I was a butch dyke. I'd never been really bullied before so I didn't know how to handle it. I relapsed on my self harm, shut myself away. I hated everything about myself. Then one day I found this huge hoodie. It was like a 3XL and I myself am a medium/large. I started wearing it normally and then it escalated to where I wouldn't wash it for months, I would never be seen with it not on my body. When my mom did force me to wash it I hid away in my room. My mother once took it from me and I cried for hours because I felt like apart of me was suddenly ripped away. The reason I wore it was because you couldn't see my "fat" or my arms, or my butt, thighs, or my knees cause it was so big. It was a dress basically and I live it because it hid me away. I hated being "gay" (I thought I was gay but I'm bi, just mostly into girls).

I had never been this depressed in my entire life. It was horrible because it got to the point where I begun to feel bad for anyone that had to look at me, or talk to me, or interact with me in any way. I stopped talking to my friends and I was very mean and dismissive to anyone who spoke to me. Everyone hated me, and they still called me names. I attempted suicide twice (I will not describe how because that does not benefit anyone except the people who want to know ways to kill themselves).