LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 4

Finding Myself

By Nele notbrokenyet

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Okay, so I'm gonna tell you a little about me. Let me take you on a roller coaster ride you haven't been on before.It started when I was about 12, I believe. I didn't have many friends so I discovered this internet-page called "penpals". I had an emo-phase back then but I didn't know a lot about emos. So eventually I started having contact with this guy, who said he was an emo. He also said he was bisexual but I had never had any problems with people being different. We got along pretty well and in a time where smiles were rarely directed towards me, his kind words felt like a warm embrace. We started writing every day and I thought I knew him. I soon grew a crush on him. The first crush I ever had based on personality. But one day they told me a secret. They told me they weren't a boy but a girl. I was shocked, because I did have a crush on them- or didn't I? Maybe the feelings had vanished due to them being a girl? But inside of me, nothing changed. I still had a huge crush. I decided to tell them. They didn't take it well and although I still can't forget about them, I didn't think about my sexuality a lot. Me thinking of only males as cute was proof enough that I was straight.It wasn't until over a year-maybe even two, I don't know- later, that I started questioning myself again.Would I have a problem if my future boyfriend came out as trans? No. Because I would fall in love with their personality and that wouldn't change with his gender. So was I bisexual? I spend quite a lot of alone-time just thinking about this, not coming to a final result. I remember sitting on a bench in school during a spare period. I had just found out a friend and bully of mine(it was complicated) was a lesbian. And I remember thinking how I didn't want her to feel special because of it, because I myself was bisexual. But then I internally screamed at me, that that would be a lie.But the more time I spend thinking about it, and the more time I spend on the internet, the more I felt that I am not straight. I started realizing girls could be as cute as boys.So I told myself I was bisexual.But this isn't the end of the story, you know? This is far from over.I kept spending time on lgbt+ pages on Instagram. Until I found a definition of being pansexual. Being attracted to every gender, often worded as regardless of gender. And I asked myself if I had a problem if my future boy- or girlfriend in fact was neither or both. And once again I realized, that for me it is all about character and personality.So am I pansexual? Yes.And I identified as pansexual for quite a while. I still read a lot about different sexualities and genders. I still didn't have any friends.And one day I just happened to stumble over an article about sexual attraction. I had heard of the term asexual before, of course I had. I knew the definition. A person that does not experience sexual attraction to anyone. But I never wondered about what sexual attraction meant. I was sure I wasn't special enough to be asexual anyways.But this article... I had been bored the whole day. So I read it and it changed my views.I felt like I didn't have what sexual attraction was described as. I didn't feel that way. But I wasn't sure. I mean, I do think certain people look gorgeous. How could I be asexual? I was asking people on the internet how they found out they were asexual.Most of them told me that at some point, they just knew.And I knew. But I felt like I was just thinking it to make myself special. To be different. So I kept telling myself I was pansexual for a solid 6 months.I remember the day I accepted me being asexual like it was yesterday. I wanted to meet my boyfriend of 5 months, who I had only known through the internet. He said he would be in the city I live in, so we said we would meet at a certain time at a certain place. I was early, so I sat at a shopping mall, since there is free WiFi. I was on several lgbt+ related pages.And it... kind of clicked.It was a little weird but it didn't come out of nowhere, I guess. I knew for a long time, it was just then that I realized it.I must have been funny to watch. A girl in black clothes, starring holes in the air, mumbling "Shit, I'm asexual." under her breath.I forgot about my realization, though, due to the events taking place later that day, which I will never forget.Two weeks later though, when I met a lot of new people and one of them asked me if I was a lesbian, I remembered. I truthfully told her that no, I wasn't. "I'm panro ace." I thought and I smiled for the rest of the night.This happened a year ago, but it feels like it was an eternity since then. I am out to my best friend and most of my other friends now. I currently have a crush on a girl. It was an awesome feeling when I found out she was a lesbian.It wasn't as nice when she told me she didn't like me like that.We are still friends though. I am fine with it, since I am scared of being in a relationship anyways.So this is the story of how I found myself. And I want to tell you: if your sexuality changes over time, that is fine and it's normal. It is super-okay. You're still valid. Everything is going to turn out well.