By the time I turned 18, I had almost no romantic or sexual experience. I also wasn’t sure if I was gay or straight or bi. But then I became friends with DJ and all of those things changed.
In high school, DJ was a standout athlete and popular guy. He totally looked the part. He was 6’1 and 200lbs. Handsome and very masculine. He had short cropped hair, a muscular build, dark brown eyes, and rigid facial features so that, at 18, he looked more mature than some of our adult teachers.
At the other end of the high school food chain there was me. My name is Julian, but I go by Jules. I was more of the skater/punk/gamer type kid. I got good grades, but I wasn’t very involved and I was far from popular. My appearance changed much since I was about 15. I’m about 5’7” and 130lbs. My skin was, and still is, naturally smooth. I kept my brown hair about shoulder length. I have blue eyes and a soft, round face, that’s probably better described as cute than handsome. At 18 I could have passed as a high school freshman. I fall squarely in the category of twink.
DJ and I became friends in late fall of senior year. We started out playing video games together online. The first time we spent the night together we wound up messing around. Afterward, DJ had some feelings of regret and wanted to end our new friendship because if anyone found out he was gay it jeopardized his standing in school. As disappointed as I was, I understood because I knew he wasn’t wrong. Desperate to maintain some form of relationship, I promised it would be our secret. We continued playing video games together, but didn’t meet up or talk otherwise. For a while anyway…
Then, the football team, led by DJ, made a playoff run that ended in a heartbreaking last minute loss to a conference rival. I was at the game with my friends. That night I texted DJ to acknowledge their great season and check in with him. I just had to. To my surprise (and relief), he texted me back and asked if I wanted to hang out and drive around with him. Twenty minutes later we were pulling out of my driveway.
DJ and I drove around town and talked intermittently between songs on the radio and high school playoff football scores. I could tell he was hurting, emotionally and physically, after his last ever high school football game. Especially after such a dramatic loss. Thankfully, after some ice cream, music, and laughs he was acting more himself. At some point we ended up parked at the high school. We sat in his car. He talked and I mostly listened. The conversation eventually led to our relationship. In a moment of vulnerability, DJ, on the verge of tears, apologized to me for his conflicting feelings and our complicated friendship.
Though I knew we couldn’t have an outward/public relationship, his honesty validated my own feelings and attraction toward him. It got me emotional and made me tear up too. I didn’t know what else to do other than hug him. Which turned into a mutual kiss that quickly escalated into a make out. Both of our hands found their way to the other's crotch, and gently rubbed. We were both lost in the moment and feelings, longing for more.
Just as the windows began to fog up and our kissing and touching got more aggressive, a security car pulled up next to us and made a motion for DJ to roll down the window. Lucky for us, DJ was a star athlete and popular guy and talked us out of any trouble with ease. It was getting late anyway, so DJ drove me home. We kissed goodbye - but it was really just a continuation of our parking lot activities. The only reason we stopped was because my front-porch light turned on and startled us. My mom allegedly thought someone was trying to rob us. Really I know she was just snooping. Thank goodness DJ had dark tinted windows.
That night in bed, I was wide awake with all sorts of hormones coursing through my veins. Dj must have felt the same way because texted me something along the lines of, "I can't stop thinking about you. I've ever felt this way about anyone. I want you.” We discussed sneaking out and meeting up right then, but ultimately decided it was too risky and settled on hanging out at his house the following day. His parents were traveling to watch his little sister's junior varsity basketball scrimmage/tournament.
