The Bottom Namjoon Collection!

Hanahaki (Part 3 out of 7) (NamGi)

Namjoon felt... great.

There was no other way to describe it, and it was such an odd feeling.

For as long as he could remember, throughout all his time with BTS, his feelings for Jungkook had been one of the most fundamental parts of him. With them gone, Namjoon didn't feel as though something was missing; instead, he felt... whole.

Now that his feelings for Jungkook were no longer clouding his reality, he could see clearly that he and Jungkook would be terrible together. Jungkook was a night owl who stayed up late and woke up even later, enjoying his trips to the gym in the late evening. In contrast, Namjoon was the type to rise with the sun and head straight to the gym.

Namjoon's idea of a good date was either being in the studio together, not even needing to speak—just enjoying each other's presence—or holding hands while walking by the river or cycling to take in nature. He was someone who loved museums and art, and that wasn't who Jungkook was.

Jungkook was precious to him, but they were completely different people.

What had he even been thinking? A part of him wanted to believe that perhaps he had only liked the idea of Jungkook, but he wasn't certain. What he did know was that he felt good; he didn't feel as if something was missing or as though he had lost something with the surgery.

He had been so worried that he might lose his ability to write and produce music, but he had been wrong. He could still write, though his music was different now—it no longer had that air of hopelessness. It was more... hopeful, and Namjoon really liked that.

He hadn't even realised how deeply he had fallen for Jungkook or how his feelings had affected every part of him. He couldn't remember who he had been before all that, but now he could.

This realisation truly made him understand that he was more than his heartbreak—he was more than just his feelings for Jungkook! There was music without those feelings; there had been music and dreams before Jungkook, and there would be music and dreams after him.

It was... almost a relief to realise this: that he was still somebody without his feelings for Jungkook. He wasn't trapped in a prison where his feelings would never be returned, destined to remain there forever.

He liked who he was in this state; he liked the more hopeful and happier music he was creating, exploring deeper subjects beyond his aching heart.

He liked that he could look at Jungkook and just see a friend—someone dear to him, but not someone who embodied his heart.

He wasn't happy with the scars that now stretched all the way from his throat down his torso, but he could learn to live with them. In the past, he had always been worried about his appearance, about what Jungkook might think of how he looked, especially when comparing himself to other idols.

Now, none of that mattered. Namjoon could like himself for who he was, without worrying about the scars, or that he was too tall, too broad, or too different from the norm.

The worst part about it all was that now, looking back, he realised that even though Jungkook would never love him the way he had loved Jungkook, if Jungkook had ever returned his feelings, it would never have been because of his appearance. It simply wasn't something Jungkook cared about.

He had been so foolish back then. He might even call himself stupid—if it weren't for the fact that he knew Yoongi would somehow magically appear and give him a hard time for thinking like that.

Truly, since the surgery, Yoongi had been his rock.

Of course, Yoongi had always been his rock for as long as Namjoon could remember. But since the surgery, Yoongi had been particularly attentive towards him. It was as if those moments spent in that small hospital room, just the two of them, had turned an already strong bond into something even deeper.