XPLR | Colby Brock

~110~

Colby was the last thing on my mind, until I got under the sheets of my old bedroom. Laying in here, you would think the only thing on my mind would be the memories of my mother, and I've been doing anything to keep my mind off those.

The bed felt painfully empty, and I longed to feel Colby next to me.

I wonder what he's doing now. I wonder what they're all doing now. Sam, Colby, Corey, Katrina... I wonder if they miss me. They were like a family to me.

As if an omen from God (he's been giving me a lot of miracles lately) my phone began to ring. I half expected it to be Colby, and I was going to receive my sixth voicemail. But that was the case, Katrina's name appeared on my phone.

I stared at it for a few moments, trying to decide with myself on what I wanted to do. Should I answer? What if she's with Colby? What if it's Colby calling from her phone? He'll know I'm ignoring him. Eh, forget it. I answered the call on the last ring.

"Hello?" I asked. There was only a second of pause, most likely surprise, before she said, "Hey, stranger. How are you?"

"I'm good, is Colby with you?" I asked. I cringed when I mentioned his name, it still felt foreign in my mouth. "Colby and Sam are out. They said they're filming a video, but I doubt it," she said. "Have you gone to his channel lately?" she asked. I sat up in my bed and stood up, starting to pace my childhood room.

"No," I said, "I can't... hear him, or see him. Not yet," I said. Katrina hummed in agreement. "That's understandable."

"Did he ask you to call me?" I asked. Katrina laughed, "No, Rose. I know we weren't all that close, but I wanted to make sure you're okay," she said, "I've never been cheated on, but... I feel for you. Truly."

I sighed. "What did he put on his channel?" I asked. "You should see for yourself. But enough about Colby," she said, "How are you? Where are you?"

"I'm in Oregon," I said, "sorry I didn't say goodbye to anyone. And I'm sorry that you had to see me and Colby fight."

"Don't apologize for that. I'm sorry Sam and I were in the way," she said. I sat back down on the edge of my bed and put the phone on speaker next to me, before pulling up my sleeve a little to see my cuts. They're still bandaged and sore.

"Is Colby okay?" I asked.

"Oh, Rose, you know the answer to that," she said. I sighed. I did.

"Just tell me how he's been."

She paused for a moment before saying, "I've never seen him so vulnerable. He's crying his eyes out half the time I see him, still. I mean, I know it's only been a few days, but still."

"Has he been talking about me? Anything bad?" I asked.

Katrina actually laughed. "Colby? Talk bad about you? Never. Go watch his video, and call me back later or tomorrow, but you should see his video," she said. Then she just hung up. No choice, I guess.

I laid back in my bed, and I reluctantly opened YouTube and typed in Colby's name. At the top of the screen was one video, titled: Leaving YouTube.

It started with Colby sitting back from turning on the camera. He looked like a mess. Tired and sad. I'd never seen him this way before. "Hey guys," he said, and he tried to add a little enthusiasm, but it didn't show through.

"So... the title explains it all, I think. I'm gonna leave YouTube for a while." He paused.

There was another painful pause, leaning over his knees. There was a cut, and he seemed to be crying now. "I owe you guys an explanation. I know I do," he said and he wiped his eyes.

"I've been meaning to take a break for a while. I'm... kind of going through a crisis. To put it shortly," he offered a weak chuckle. "I... don't really know what I want to do. And... I just need to find it. I was.. I was going to find it with Rose." There were a few moments of silence again. When he said my name, I started to cry.

"So... Rose and I broke up," and he quickly followed that up with, "she broke up with me because of my stupid decision. I'm a.. I'm a stupid person, I was a horrible man and an even worse boyfriend."

"So... so don't go bother her. Don't any of you dare go bother her. I love her, more than anything in the world, more than anyone in the world. And I ruined it, I ruined it. It won't be good if I find out any of you said something bad to her."

"For... for my sake, leave me alone... and let me have my privacy. I love you guys. I'll update you every now and then. Sam will still be active on his channel, and Sam and Colby... you might see me every now and then. But I think I'm gonna go home for a bit. See about going back to school."

"Thank you. For everything you've done for me. I owe you guys so much," he said, then reached up and turned off the camera.

It was quiet in my room for a moment, then I sniffed. I longed for Colby. I want to see him so bad, but theres nothing I can do. I have to keep strong. It'll get easier.

I closed YouTube and went to voicemail. Six voicemails. I wanted to listen to them, but I'm afraid. I don't want to know what he says, I don't want to hear him cry.

Maybe it was stupid, but I went back to YouTube, and I found videos of when Colby and I were still together. Laughing and being happy and loving one another.

It felt nice to torture myself.

It felt nice, but it hurt like a bitch too.