XPLR | Colby Brock

~134~

"Rose. Hey. Happy birthday," he said. 

My breath hitched in my chest, and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I pushed my hair behind my ear and stood up, rubbing my sweaty palms down my shirt, Logan's band t-shirt. "H-Hey," I said, suddenly feeling like I was doing something wrong. I turned the phone on speaker and tossing it onto the bed, quickly peeling off the shirt and finding a different one. Then I felt guilty about that, so I tossed the shirt away and put Logan's band t shirt back on. 

I mean, Logan and I aren't dating. But we are something, right? Something like that? I mean, we kiss every time we see each other, every time we depart, and a lot in between. But I never kiss him. 

I wish Logan were Colby. 

Oh god, Rose. No, no! Don't think like that!

 "How's the big Two-oh?" He asked as I laid back down on the bed. This felt so... tense. So awkward. I'm sure he doubted I would answer. He probably had a voicemail ready to go. 

"Not near as exciting as I thought was," I answered truthfully, breathing out and trying to keep cool. "Rose, calm down. Everything's fine. I can hear your breathing, you're breathing on the mic," he said. 

"I am calm. I'm not nervous at all," I said, rubbing my hands together, squirming a bit in the bed as I put the phone on the bed next to me so he couldn't hear me breathe. 

This is bad. This was a horrible commitment. My heart hurts, and suddenly it started to feel like I couldn't breathe. I'm not over Colby. I'm not, I've never been. I should've forgiven him, I should've stayed in LA with him. I should've gone home with him when he came to see me in Oregon. 

You've got so much to work on. Maybe when you figure it all out, we can try again. 

If he were here, I would take him back now. 

"I dated you for a while, Rose. I know how my girl sounds-, I mean, you sound when you're nervous. I didn't think you would be nervous talking to me. I thought you wouldn't even answer," he said. 

My heart reached out of my chest and lurched for any warmth when he called me "my girl". He stuttered. All it took was that, that one possessive, and all I wanted was for him to be next to me.

Memories relayed in my mind, all the times we spent in his car, or in his bed, or in the trap house's living room with the rest of the guys. Walking Navi, Corey and Devyn's dog, pranking the other roommates. Things were so good then. How could I have ever let that go? 

But I did let it go. I did, and I don't regret. Juilliard is everything I've ever wanted, and I love New York City. 

I need to go out. I'll call Julie tomorrow, maybe we can go to Time's Square. Go see something. Go be someone. 

I should be honest. "I was... planning to return some of your calls," I said. There was a pause. "Really?" he asked, "have you been listening to my voicemails?"

"No," I answered truthfully. It was something my mother always told me, I have to be honest. Always. 

"Well... why not?" he asked quietly. "I just couldn't," I said, and I stood up again to pace my apartment. I sighed and pushed my hair behind my ear so there was room for my phone, and I sighed as I walked towards the window and watched the people outside of it for a minute. 

"I... guess I understand," he said. There was a beat of awkward silence between us before he said, "Something really bad happened, Rose." 

I glanced at the time. Midnight. It's April 5th now. "What do you mean?" I ask. "Did something happen to Elena?" 

I don't know why that was my instinct. "What? No, no. I don't talk to her," he said. "Something really bad happened to me and Sam."

I sat down on the edge of my bed. "What happened?" I asked. He sighed into the phone, and I wrapped my free arm around myself as I waited for him to answer. "We went to Cobb Estate," he said. 

"Cobb Estate? Colby, are you stupid?" I asked, standing up. 

Every explorer in California knew about Cobb Estate. Elena and I even went there once when we were running her channel. We all knew the rumors. You're not supposed to go there at night, you're not supposed to go too deep into the forest or the forbidden tunnel. 

"I am stupid, actually," he said. I waited for him to go on, and when he didn't, I snapped at him to. "So? What happened? Did you guys record it?" I asked. "Of course we recorded it, we went back because the viewers got the likes we asked for. So we were going back to do a ritual..." he paused to take a breath. 

"Getting there was fine. It was like normal. Some stuff was missing from the first time we went, but it was for the most part easy and light heart. I think we were on edge though, since we were going towards the tunnel. Well then.. wait, have you been going on our channel?" he asked. 

"No," I said. "No, Colby." 

"Well... things for the two of us haven't been the same. Not lately, definitely not since you left. I mean... you moving changed me, obviously, but Sam convinced me to keep making videos. And I mean, I liked it, it made me feel better, but... I don't know, it wasn't you. But that's besides the point. Anyway, I... I almost died," he said. 

"What?" 

"Sam and I almost got killed, and that wasn't even the first time. It was a close call, and I was scared. When I was in Miami and go arrested, we almost died then too," he said. 

"How? What?" 

"Exploring, Rose, what else?" he asked. "We were caught trespassing and a security guard came at us with a gun. Then he called for more cops and even more came! I had a gun to my face from three feet away!" 

He paused, and I didn't say anything. 

"We were in front of a school. They thought we were school shooters," he said, and he sighed, finishing his story. 

"Colby.." 

"Sam and I are quitting YouTube," he said. "What?" 

"We're quitting YouTube. We've decided that's what's best and we're done. For a few months, a few weeks, forever, who knows." 

There were a few more beats of silence before I finally said, "Colby, I'm so sorry..." 

"No, no, don't say that. Don't be sorry. I don't want you to feel sorry for me," he said, "But Rose, I miss you." 

Be honest. 

But I just stayed silent. "New York was great when I went," he said. "I'm thinking about taking a vacation. Do you... mind? Me coming?" 

"Yes. Don't come." 

There was a long pause. "Why not? Are you seeing someone?" he asked. 

"No," I said quickly. Without thinking. 

You liar.