XPLR | Colby Brock

~116~

I laid six irises across the grave of my father, and six roses over the grave of my mother. Buried next to each other. 

What made him think he could do that? I thought to myself. I have such mixed feelings. 

I want to hate him for everything he did to me and my mother. What makes him think he could have his grave dug next to my mother? He's the reason she killed herself!

I reluctantly stood up and looked back over my shoulder where Kendall was standing. "Ready?" he asked. "Almost," I answered, turning back to the grave and holding my hands in front of me. I closed my eyes, and said a quick prayer. Thanking God for my opportunity to go to New York, asking him to look after me, but to also look after Colby. Just let him be happy. If he had heard me say that, he would say something like, "No, Rose! I need you to be happy. I need you!" 

I sighed at that thought, whispered, "Amen," then turned back to Kendall. 

I've never been a very religious person. Me and my mother only went to church on Christmas, but occasionally, I would watch my mother pray. Usually, it was while she was crying her eyes out next to me in bed, after she thought I'd gone to sleep. I wasn't. 

Kendall drove me back to the church my car was at. Just as I got out, Kendall said, "Hey. If you need anything, come back to the group, okay? We'll be happy to talk to you again." 

I nodded, thanked him, and got out. I want to get home and lay in the dark. After me and Rudy's piano lesson, of course. 

I pulled up to the house, and Rudy opened the door for me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. "You're just in time for dinner!" he said excitedly. I could smell it from the door, and Jenny was setting the table. "Hey," she said, smiling at me. "What do you want to drink?" she asked as Rudy put me in a seat and sat next to me. 

"Just water," I answered. "Thanks for letting me stay here," I told her. Jenny shook her head at me. "Oh, stop saying that. We love having you here, don't we, Rudy?" she asked. Rudy nodded. "Yeah!" 

I just chuckled at that. We ate, Rudy told me all about his day. He said he showed his music class how to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and that his teacher was really proud of him. "And when she asked me where I learned it, I told her that you taught me! She seemed really surprised! I think she knew who you were." 

I smiled. "You know, I've been getting that a lot. Hey, what are you guys doing next Friday?" I asked. Jenny thought for a moment. "Nothing, that I know of. Why?" she asked. 

"I'm in a concert at my old high school. I'm playing piano with a girl I think will love to teach you how to play piano once I'm gone," I said, smiling at Rudy as I finished my sentence. Rudy frowned at that. "I wish I could go to New York with you!" he complained, then looked to Jenny, "Mom?" 

"Keep dreaming, kid." 

"Keep practicing, and you could go to New York too." 

He thought about that for a moment, and he turned to me and smiled. "You know what? You're right! I'll practice really hard that way I can go to New York and be with you again." 

I laughed. In twelve years, when Rudy's nineteen, I'll be thirty-two. That simultaneously made me feel young and old at the same time. Maybe, if I'm still in the city, I could be a comforting face he sees in the crowd of faces in Manhattan. The thought of that made me smile. 

I always assumed that when I was thirty-two, I would be married already. Married to Colby, I thought, in the last few months. Maybe even pregnant, or have a child already. 

That'll probably still happen, but there's one detail that'll be different from that original dream: no Colby. 

Do you really think Colby will be out of your life forever? 

I don't know. 

Do you want him to be?

I don't know.