Is This Happiness

22

   Every day began as a repetitive cycle. I'd wake up, most days refusing to eat. Not that I didn't want to. I couldn't bring myself to. Feeling I absolutely disgusted with myself.

He was surprisingly not the main character in my imagination anymore. It was the fact that I've witnessed two murders now. Playing over and over again in my head.

Nothing about it was imaginative. It was real, very real and there was nothing that I could do then. Ans nothing that I could do now.

Nothing settled in me before. I have more than enough time to think things through now. Who was I to crave the attention of a man who himself has ended many lives. More than I could count on my fingers and toes i'm sure.

I feel numb to the touch. I didn't leave my room. It's been two weeks since I've seen my family. Two weeks since I've seen him. I was okay with the him part. Not having contact with my family was driving me up a wall.

This morning Rico interrupted my thoughts by banging his fists onto my door.

"Yes?" My voice hoars from just waking up. He stays silent for a moment before speaking the obvious.

"Stefano thinks you're depressed." A small smile escapes my lips.

"You can go now!"

"Come on. talk to me, Carmen. I'm all alone out here." He whines, failing to make me feel bad.

"You are a terrible babysitter, go home."

"I don't have anywhere to go." My brows pull at his words.

"Come on we can play just dance." Almost tripping over my own two feet. I rip the door open.

"What do you know about just dance?" I ask him suspiciously, leaning against the door frame.

"That it's your favorite game." He gives me a duh look.

"How could you possibly know that?

"I read your file-"

"What?"

"I may have slipped it from Stefanos desk." Before I could slam the door fully shut. He sticks his foot out, groaning in pain.

"Why would you do that! It's private information. How the fuck does he even get shit like this." I give up on the door, backing up to run my hands through my hair. He probably knew things that even I didn't know about myself. If he knew these things, there was no telling who else does. If he can get his hands on this information who else could?

"Dont freak out."

"Oh so you think this is me freaking out? You've seen nothing yet!" I yell, furiously.

I star heaving feeling my chest tighten. I could see the shocked look on his face. He didn't know what to do or say, so he just stood there watching me.

The back of my knees hit the bed, and I crumble. "its too much." I choke on my words, feeling a tear travel down my cheek. Rico walks closer o the bed before sitting down beside me. He kept a small distance between us.

"Do you think I want to live this life?" I look up at him furrowing my brows. "Well I didn't and I don't. I grew up in it, I have no way out. I know one things for sure, stefano doesn't want you in this world. I don't know what it is that makes you special to him but you are and nothing is going to change that he's just bad at expressing his emotions. You wont be here forever, and yeah you'll have the memories ut hopefully someday they will be just that, a memory and you'll move on with your life and be happy.

I know I should feel relieved by his words but I didn't. "I like him, Rico." The look in his eyes told me he knew. He did a small head nod looking away. I got hit with regret, second guessing my words. He wouldn't get it, no one in their right mind would.

"Don't." he mutters under his breath, sighing heavily. I knew he was right, in that moment I wanted to curl into a ball. I didn't expect him to continue his words,

"You don't know him like I do. For you.. he's kind, It's shocked everyone really. You see a side of him no one has ever seen before, and for that I have no clue what will come from this. I know anything I tell you will be wrong.. just, don't let him break you, you deserve more than this life. You have a whole life ahead of you."

I could hear the pain of his last words hit my heart.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I didn't know what I had just apologized for. Partly because I knew my freedow was something he wanted, just from the look in his eyes. Or because he and I both knew his words didn't make a difference.

"Im trying." I whisper. "Can I hug you?" I laugh hopening my arms wide.

"Thank you." He holds me, rocking my body side to side.

"I never thought you'd be a hugger." I comment getting a jab to my side.

"Shh!" We let go sitting back.

"Really tho."

"Just consider my words." He comments, trying again. I nod, seriously. It got quiet for a minute before he jumped up, dragging me along with him.

We watched movies for the rest of the afternoon. I learned Stefano didn't trust a maid in his apartment.

So we had to make food ourselves. Rico knew nothing of the sort. He jokingly asked if I wanted to tag along with him to the corner store.

About six blocks down, and not only did I not want to walk. I didn't want to be in public. He gave me gummy bears he had in his pocket.

I didn't love gummy bears but it would do. I had gummy bears for lunch. How traumatizing.

Walking back from the bathroom I heard voices and the front door open. I walked into the room to see Stefano looking down to Rico.

"Off, animal." Rico removed his feet from the coffee table giving Stefano a sheepish smile.

"I'll go now!" I was going to disagree but seeing the look Stefano gives me has me pausing my words.

He wasn't in a good mood, not that he ever was but this time? He looks like someone took the last cheeto.

I wasn't expecting the words that came from his mouth next.

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