Is This Happiness

43

A month rolls around, following by another.

No sign of him,

he fell off of the face of the earth.

He fell from my earth. Dragging my heart that beat for only him along to where ever the hell he went. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain in the months to come.

I worried myself sick every second of every day. Questioning everything, from what he was, to if he'd fall for the beauty he left his house with.

If he'd touched her in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. If he lied out of his teeth about marrying me. Just to keep me waiting like a lovesick puppy missing it's owner.

Nothing helped my courageous thoughts. The first month was the worst of them. I cried each and every night until the tears soaked through my pillow.

By the time the second came, I accepted it. Like I always have. I didn't like the person I became. College changed me for the better, and I ruined it. I'd be a complete bitch to say it was his fault.

It wasn't completely, I let him. I let him control me. I liked it, I craved his attention. I felt like a fangirl, I didn't know him. I've came to the conclusion that I was fascinated with him, because he knew me.

I didn't know how, bur I knew. He may just be a playboy, giving me my wildest fantasy. If that was so, he was damn good at it.

He knew how to make me miss him.

I missed his chocolate eyes turning into a honey in the sunlight. I missed his deep stares and short words. I craved the right but secure hold he had on me whenever he was near.

I liked knowing I was the center of his attention. I wanted to be the person he couldn't take his eyes off of. I never understood until now. Now I know, over the few months i've learned myself.

I've learned that no matter the pain and frustration the man gave me i'd be on my knees for him in an instant. I hate myself for that.

I hate myself because I can't hate him.

"Carmen." My body reacts, sending my right hand flying from the canvas above. Why did he come back, why am I here.

I ignore the voice i'd cried out for each night since he left me. The voice I dreamt of in my sleep the night before.

My longing for him turned into pain. The pain that wouldn't go away turned into heartbreak.

He shattered my world, taking every wall I had built down. I didn't just have to build myself back up again, I had to learn the new me.

The new me he had built, the new me my mind formed around him. The me I couldn't imagine a life without him in. I couldn't, I just can't.

Dipping the brush back into a sunflower yellow. I try again, gliding the feather like brush across the canvas.

The flowers reminded me of the garden. The garden he left me in to return back to her. Everything came back to him, it was infuriating.

I never took notice of how Stefano's mother would paint each saturday morning. It became something the both of us did together.

It pushed all thoughts of him out of my head for a while. Until I break the barrier between reality and what I painted. Which was always some reference to him.

"Excuse us." I close my eyes when I hear paint brushes drop. Today mom and Harper decided to join us. It was nice seeing Harper. Xavier and her became closer than ever. I never got to see her anymore.

"Where have you been." My anger breaks through my lips. I knew we weren't completely alone. My mother and his are most likely standing behind the door listening in like children.

My voice held no hurt, bouncing off of the walls. "Not here." He demands, sizing me up with his eyes. He looked good, but tired. His eyes shocked me, having bags underneath them.

As if he hadn't slept for days. He had a cut on his jaw line and I do everything I can not to baby him.

He said Carmen, he never calls me by my name. His words meant nothing, he lied.

"Out of your head baby." I look up from his clean suit, jump away from his extended arm.

I stand from my seat, gasping when it flies from under me. "Don't give me that bullshit!" His eyes closed taking in my loud screaming.

I almost felt bad. "Carmen." I didn't care for his demands. I didn't care for what he had to say.

"No!" There was a dead pause on his face.

"No?" He repeats my words.

"No, No, NO! I am done with you Stefano Genovese." He took a step forward slowly. A big step forward considering his long legs.

I knew my words affected him, thought I didn't know how much. The words I'm sorry almost slip out of my mouth.

"What did you say?"

"I'm —going to my room." I say slowly, backing up. I could see a guard standing in the corner of my eye. It was terrifying knowing he wouldn't help me. He worked for Stefano, everyone did.

"Your room, Carmen? You mean my room." His voice was laced icy cold. I blink trying to calm my heart down. He had the same tone he spoke to his men with. He was mad at me. When Is should be the one mad at him.

"Don't turn this around on me!" He wouldn't hurt me, right? I don't see him for months at a time. I back up into a table, running around it.

"Stop it Stefano, you're scaring me." I plead.

"Go before I do something I regret." He didn't have to repeat himself. I walked away, never turning back to look at him.

Who was he. Surely he hadn't changed completely, he didn't snap my head.

It wasn't my fault, my feelings matter. I went straight to my room, locking the door behind me.

Falling down on to the bed a sob rises up my throat. What happens now.

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