Before you knew

76. Nightmares.

'Clay?'

After carefully having made my way upstairs, I enter Clays bedroom.
He looks up from putting down the pillow. 'Somethings wrong, I can see it.' I say as I sit down on the clean smelling sheets. He sits down next to me. 'My family likes you. I like you. Everything that happened is messed up beyond belief, but..... everything becomes okay when you're around. It's reason why I asked you to stay. It's why I come into your room when I can't sleep. It feels safe. Peaceful.' I say. 'I...' I look to my side to see him looking down. 'I watched you get shot.... by your father. I thought you died in my arms after. I made you come back after you left. I made you be there when your father came.' He says. He turns his head away, having me unable so see and look at his expression. 'I'm alive.' I say. He scoffs 'barely.' I hold his arm as I scoot closer. 'No. I'm breathing. I'm alive.' Him bringing his other hand up to wipe his face tells me enough. 'In my mind You're not. In my sleep you didn't survive. I go to bed and dream of you dying over and over. And I wake up, unsure which one of the two was real. The one I remember of you surviving, or the one where you die.' He says.

His words shock me. I didn't know it would do so much damage to him. 'If I didn't come to France.... if I just believed it when you said it was better that you left, you wouldn't have been in the hospital. You wouldn't have been shot.' He says. 'No one could have predicted what happened.' I say. 'You did. You warned me and told me I didn't know what you father was capable of.' He says. That's true, so I stay quiet. 'I should move. You were right, it's better if we're apart.' He says after having stood up. I stand up as well 'No. No, then me being alive is useless.' I say. He turns around at my words. His eyes are a little red, the only indication he cried, but he covers it up well. 'Why would you say that?' He asks. 'Because your dream about me dying may as well have been true. You can make the decision. Stay here. With me. Dream the most fucked up shit and wake up to me being there, alive. Or move away. Dream about me dying and then having no way of knowing which one of the two is real.' I say.

A heartbreaking silence falls.

'Don't do this to me.' I say as I fold my arms to stay a little warmer. 'Don't leave after I took the risk of coming back.' I say. He stares at me as tears fill my eyes. 'Please don't do that to me.' I beg him as the first tear slips form my eyes. Part of it is because I'm scared he will leave, and the other because I'm sad he has to be part of my messed up life. 'I'm sorry you had to see what you saw, and I'm sorry you have nightmares, but... don't leave me alone.' He walks forward and pulls me into a careful hug. 'Promise me.....' He sighs before going on 'you'll proof the nightmares aren't real.' He says. I nods.

'Then I'll stay.'