Before you knew

160.

We enter the building.
Memories fresh on my mind.
Procedure that's happening tomorrow drawing closer.
So many faces that expect me to be happy.

Overwhelming.

I head outside for a second and take a deep breath.

I look up at the star filled sky.
If there is a god, I will pray.
Pray.

The thought of it is unspoken and undoubtedly fierce. Oh He who hears this prayer, lay me in the hands of the lord, let me live in the slots of his hands, let me see.... let me see what you've brought and what you've seen.

Let me live through your eyes and take me on a trip to paradise.

Let me fall,
And let me hit
the ground.
Only then,
Can I get up again

'You okay?'
George catches me off guard.
'This evening is supposed to be fun,
But it looks like You're going through hell.'

I sigh and look down at the pavement under my feet.
'I may just enter hell, and decide to take a trip through it, just to get away from reality'

The silence is long.
He doesn't know what to say.
And I have no apology to make.

'Clay is worried.'
I nod.
'He will be.'
He should

'Nick Said that it must be your past, that's getting to you.' George says.
'He tried to calm Clay with that, but it only worried him more.'

I sigh.

'The past shouldn't mater anymore.'

It doesn't matter, how it was, or has been before.

The unspoken truth of weary nights and long days. It's as if the amount of times this has happened is unimaginable, unbelievable painful silence that has filled the nights with anger and dread.

And as I'm here again,
in the humane sanity of painful Indifference and insufferable patience, I find my body wondering for how I could be, how I should feel.

Sufferable silence.

Dreadful short nights, and early mornings that bring downpour and sorrow.
Head over heals for things I never thought of before, that consume my mind.

However lightly my mind will feel it's way of life,
there will always be consequences scattered in the brims of existence.

Painfully cloudy and undoubtedly pairing with paradise.

As I lay awake in de midst of rain I wonder of how my mind shall free itself for the storm.