Before you knew

164.

I'm still silently crying as I'm in the back of my uncles car.
Clay in front of me in the passenger seat.

Dennis got Clay.
And I don't know if it was good or not.

The answer doesn't even matter.
I've fucked up.

'I'm so sorry.'
My trembling voice lets out the few words I know how to say.
Scared that Clay will be mad. Scared for whatever is next as I wait for it to come in the silence.
'I'm really sorry.' The chocked breath after is impossible to be held back.

'Is the child still there?'
Clays tone of voice sounds plain,
No emotions at all, meaning that I've really, really pissed him off.

I sniffle and try to stop my jaw from trembling as I close my eyes.
'Y-yes.'

'Then stop apologizing.'

I shut up, covering my mouth to hold back sobs,
Drowning in the black sweater that Clay pulled over my head, to get me out the hospital as fast as he could.

'I try-'
He takes a breath as his voice sounds strained.
'I try to make this work, to- to keep you safe...

But you.....'

He nearly sounds disgusted.
I can't says anything as I wipe my tears with the too long sleeves.

'You told me- that it would be okay.'

'Clay....'
My voice is small and I reach my hand to the front seat,
But my hand gets swatted away.

'Not a thing you say anymore, will be believable.'

I swallow hard and lay my hand over my belly.
A small bump can be felt now, and in a few weeks it'll be very visible.
For the first time, I get what Clay had explained all those days ago.

Then even if you leave, I'll have a piece of us around.

A boy with big green eyes and an adorable laugh.

I take a deep breath, the tears slowing down.
I get it now.... I do.

'I get it...'

I mumble the words with some sort of relief.
And Clay catches them.

'What?'

I sink back into the soft fabric of the sweater.
'I get it.'

The words are louder this time.
'Hate me if you want to. Leave if you want.
I get what you meant when you said there will always be a part of us alive,
even if you do leave.'

Clay turns in his seat and looks at me.
'Don't you get it?' He asks.

'I don't want to fucking leave. But you keep slipping away.'
My eyes fall down to my sleeve covered hands.
'I won't..... anymore.'

Clay moves to sit back down,
And the next silence falls.

Sufferable silence.

The consequences scattered in the brims of existence.
undoubtedly pairing
with paradise.