Before you knew

137. Time.

I lay awake as night carries my darkest fears.

I slip out of bed and head over to the porch, sitting in the cool night air.
We're so young. Doing this now isn't smart.

There are so many words I could use to describe how I feel towards Clay, but none define it perfectly.
But even so, no carefully picked line of words can convince me that this wasn't a mistake.
And I stand by that thought.

'Hey.'

My sisters voice is small as she stands in the doorway.
'I heard you walk around, mind if I join?'
I shake my head and pat the floor next to me.

Low rumbling of now far away storms fills the air.

Bare footsteps walk up before my sister lowers herself to sit next to me.
'So...'
She doesn't seem how to start this talk.

'I don't think I can have this baby.'

After a short and intense silence my sister sighs.
'What does Clay say?' Her question makes me bow my head down.

'He wants to keep it.'

'So you're going to take it away from him?' She asks.
My heart grows weary, and the words fall from my mouth in a defiant manner.

'So? It's my body, my decision.'

She looks at me, and when I meet her eyes I can see the disappointment my words left. 'You're going to break his heart.' I sigh and look away again 'we're too young, nothing guarantees that we'll work out and that he stays.' The fear is obvious and my sister notices.

'He's not dad.'

The words leave me in a state of shock, and my eyes tear up.
'And whatever the world brings, that baby inside of you will learn how to face all of it, just like us.'

'I'm just scared.'

My voice is weak and the tear collects at the bottom of my chin.
'I know.'
I get pulled into a hug.

'I said before that I'd marry you. Did it sound so fake?'

I jump at the voice and Kim quickly lets me go.
Clay stands in the doorway, the glinstering of the tears in his eyes obvious in the moonlight.

'I said I want to keep it, what more can I do?'
'Nothing, Clay. I'm sorry.'

Kim gets up 'no yelling, Tyler is asleep.'
With that she leaves us alone.

'It's not just your decision to make.' I can hear how he's trying to control his voice as he closes the door. 'I don't want to keep it.' I say as I look away. 'That's my child too! You need to talk to me about this.' He seems desperate for something.

'I'm sorry Clay.' I say as I move past him. I want to slip back inside and end the conversation with that, but he lifts me up and sets me down when he's in front of the door. 'Talk to me.' He says. 'I have nothing more to say.' I tell him.

'You really want to get an abortion?' His tone saddens as he looks away.
As much as I don't want to hurt him, this is mainly my decision.

'The sooner the least painful.' I say as I now look away from his pained expression.

'Clay-'

'Listen. I'm the one that will have to take care of it anyways, because I'm home all the time. Why does it bother you so much?' He interrupts.

'You talk about it as if it's a pet.' I say. 'Well im good at taking care of those too.' He says with anger, making it slightly funny. 'You-' I have to stop myself and take a breath, before my laugh starts. 'You know it's not the same, this is serious.'

'And I seriously love you.'
I look up to meet his green eyes that stare at mine.
'I really do.'

I sigh 'I don't know, Clay.'

'Lets give it some time, think it over again.'
I glance at him, not wanting to.
'Please?'