Before you knew

150.

'Its better if you guys start to make decisions.'

I look down at my hands, having to be conscious to stop the nervous fidgeting.
The big decision.

'I want to keep it, but Amelia doesn't.'
Clay explains the situation and the silence that falls after is heavy.

Oh may life have mercy on me for the mistakes I have made.

'That's a tough situation.'
The woman behind the desk looks between us.
'What's the reason why you don't want the child?'

I sigh.
Here we go again.

'Because of everything. The sleepless nights, the back pain, the morning sickness. Not being able to go to work at some point. The responsibility and the want to protect the child from the pains of the world.'

She nods.
'All understandable reasons.'
Her eyes land on Clay.
'Will you look at your partner for me?'

I clench my jaw and turn my head, Clay isn't looking at me.
His eyes stay focused on the piece of folded paper between his fingers and he seems upset.
'What do you feel when you look at him, when thinking about a child.'

Bittersweet heartache,
A painful smile.

'How he'd be an amazing father. How big his heart is.'

The muscles of his jaw visibly tighten.
'Are you scared about him?'

I chuckle lightly.
'No.'

Clay accidentally crushes the paper between his fingers at my answer.
'He is the only thing I'm sure about when it comes to this.'

'The woman's decision is what we take in account most.
Its important that you know that.'

She directs the last sentence to Clay.
'I know.'

It looks like he wants to fall back, and get swallowed by the ground.
The painful aching of loss burning his chest.
It all lays in my hands.

'Will the morning sickness ease?'
Now his head moves up, and I can see Clay looking at me from the corner of my eye.
'It differs from person to person. It may get better.'

'After how many weeks will the belly get visible?'

My questions get answered, and the more answers I get the easier this seems.

'Maybe we should just try. Wait a couple more weeks till the final decision.'
'I agree.' Clay says as he stuffs the yellow paper that he's been holding in his pocket.

'The longer the wait the more extreme the procedure will be.'
I nod 'that'll be my fault.' The woman looks at me before nodding,
'Alright, I'll see you guys in two weeks.'