Tokyo ghoul

Chapter 118

I guess I'm not dealing well with Hide dying. I'm standing on the roof of Akio's mansion in a coat and scarf covering the lower portion of my face, over looking the land around us. If only I was there sooner, if only I paid attention to him, he'd still be alive.
"You mustn't blame yourself Taiga" someone said from behind me. I knew it was Raiden.
"It was my fault. I was ignorant"
"No. You were oblivious. You had no idea it's not your fault."
"I was hugging him. I was overly concerned with an investigator that would have killed me over and over again."
"It isn't your fault." He said reassuringly. "He didn't tell you, that's on him"
"It's on me. I can't deal with this anymore. It isn't fair. I can't have people around me drop like flies. It's me isn't it? What's wrong with me? Why do I get the people I care about killed?" I said in shock.
"Hinami isn't dead. You care for her?"
"She isn't dead because she has a lot of other people looking after her as well, if it was just me, she'd be dead."
"Hide had you and Kaneki and he still died."
I turned around slowly. "What are you saying?"
"That it's not your fault. You blame yourself for everything and you shouldn't because it will make you sick!"
"I wasn't tortured enough?"
"What?!" Raiden shouted.
"Kaneki was tortured so that he was stronger? But my emotions get in the way."
"What are you saying?"
"That someone needs to finish the job."
"That's the grief talking."
"Exactly! If I was tortured longer I wouldn't be feeling grief, you didn't see Kaneki. He didn't look phased at all!"
"I'm not letting you do that!"
"It's not up to you" someone said. I turned around and Itori stood there with Ann.
"I think it's a constructive idea."
Itori said.
"I know just the person that would help." Ann said looking at Itori.
"No! This isn't going to happen. I will admit how sexy and attractive she is when her limbs get cut off and she doesn't scream or cry and the re-attaches herself but I also like the fact that when I say she's beautiful, and amazing she reacts emotionally"
I look at him and smile. "I appreciate the fact you're looking out for me but it's too difficult to live with all this grief. If I don't do this, I will lose myself."
"If you do this you will lose yourself!" He said walking over to me. He bends down a little bit and puts his hands on either side of my face, cupping my cheeks. "I love you too much and respect you too much to let you go through with this"
I looked up, my smile completely faded. "you don't have a say in what I do or don't do." I pushed his hands away and looked at Itori. "I want this as soon as possible please"
"I'll get Ann to send the person willing to abide by your terms"
"Taiga" Raiden whispered.
I walked over and grabbed his arm, pulling him down with me as I sat on the ground. "Give us a minute please" I shouted. Everyone cleared off so we were alone.
"Raiden. I care about you a great deal and I love the fact you're looking out for me but I'm fine. I don't need you looking out for me anymore. I'm a big girl."
"Jason he was a big guy and-"
"-not to start off with. The torture did that to him" I said gently rubbing the top of his hand. "I'm not saying I want to completely ruin who I am but I do want to change it. I'm weak, emotional, undependable, and I need to be the opposite of this. It was always back and forth back and forth with hide and Kaneki and I guess there was no back with hide and I always thought there would be, but there wasn't. I still think he's going to turn up with a fancy bento, expecting me to "eat" it." I smiled to myself and looked back at Raiden. "I know he's dead, but I don't want him to be. I want to be with him one last time, not in a relationship but as friends. I convinced myself that there would be a wedding, and I wanted him there, stood next to Kaneki cheering him, well, us on. Now that's not gonna happen. I just don't know what to do now. I'm screwed and there is nothing to do anymore, he's dead, kaneki's missing, I'm breaking, falling apart. I really do need this and if you can't see this then that's your fault not mine. I'm gonna do the torture with or without your permission, although I really would appreciate your support wether you approve or not."
He pulled his hand away and tucked my bangs behind my ears.
"I will support you one hundred percent if in your heart of hearts it's what you want."
I fling myself at him, hugging him, smiling through all the grief and pulled away, wiping the tears off my face.
"Thank you." I whispered before standing up and walking away.
"Taiga?" He said. I gripped on to the door frame and looked down at the floor, with my back turned to him.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Just please make sure you're doing this for the right reasons. I don't want you to regret it."
I smiled. "I won't." I let go and walked away.