Dire

50

I sweet talked the guy at the liquor store to sell me a yet another bottle of alcohol. I poured it in a water bottle and stuck the rest in my bag I drank and walked around town trying to numb myself.

I'm not worth love why am I so stupid to think I out of all the people in the world would be so lucky.

I got home and sat in my bedroom drinking until I past out. I did this frequently now.

I fucking hate my life so much. I'm so alone. my mother hates me. my siblings get in trouble for spending time with me. literally nobody wants me. I have not one person.

The last couple of times I've been out I noticed a van lingering around. I wondered if it was Harry but every time I would even look at it it would drive off.

There's the van again. I saw a group of sketchy guys. If that is Harry I wonder if he would care if I approached them. I walked over
"Hi sweet thing what's your name?"

"Lexy" I smiled

"What's a sweet thing like you doing walking around alone."

I shrugged before I could speak the one man pushed me against the wall he pushed himself up against me.

Really regretting my decision right now. The man reeked of cigarettes and alcohol.

BOOM the man in front of me dropped BOOM BOOM. My eyes were screwed shut not wanting to see blood. "Alexis what the fuck are you doing?"

That's not Harry I opened my eyes to see zayn.
Zayn grabbed me and shoved me in the van

it was silent.

"what the actual fuck Alexis."

"You're not in charge of me anymore. Harry set me free remember."

"Not for you to pull that shit. it was to be happy and move on with your life not to fucking walk into a death trap."

"happy? He thinks I'm happy I'm fucking miserable. I want is Harry please take me see him.

"I can't do that Alexis."

"please he didn't even let me say goodbye, He said he loved me and then quite literally dumped me."

zayn sat quietly "he cares about you a lot which is why he's setting you free he's trying to put you first. You and him shouldn't have happened"

"well if he wanted to put me first he would have let me decide what I wanted."

We pulled up to my house I looked at him "you're really not going to take me to him."

"I can't.

"can you at least tell him Im Miserable and I don't know how much longer I can do this."

Zayn sat up "what you going on about Alexis"

I wiped my tears.

"Look at me Alexis" I barely looked at him "you are fucking strong don't do anything stupid."

I laughed "you must have me confused with another Alexis."

"are you the Alexis who was taken against her will? Are you the Alexis that had a gun held to her countless of times? are you the Alexis who became friends with gang members? are you the Alexis who was betrayed by those friends? Are you the Alexis who was given to group of disgusting men? Are you the Alexis who is still sitting here in a van breathing? You have been through literal hell and back. you are fucking strong don't do anything stupid do you understand me."

"Im won't don't worry I always deal with it."
I got out and slammed the door went inside.

I sat drinking until I passed out. I sat up and reached for my water it was still dark out. I sipped my water mid drink my heart dropped.

when realize someone was siting at my desk facing me. I spilled my water all over myself. I was about to scream the person lounged forward and cover my mouth. Just by the smell I knew.

"Harry?" I whispered.

He whispered back "yeah."

It was silent.

"I heard what you pulled, what the hell is wrong with you!" He whispered shouted

"You know what fuck you harry!
You kidnapped me ripped me away from my family. Made me fall in love with you. Gave me to a man who is the only reason I am here today is because he raped my mother. I was tied up slapped, punched, and out on display for men put up for sale like I was a fucking object. All I wanted was you and when I finally had you again not even you wanted me. If you cared about me you would have never abandoned me like that No fucking goodbye Harry really."

"You deserve to live a normal life. To find someone the proper way. What I did isn't okay you shouldn't be in love with the monster who took you away from your family. You need someone good lex"

"You keep saying i need someone good. someone normal but I'm not normal. I never was. I'm not good. I'm broken. I have trauma nobody is going to want me Harry. I don't even want me. I want to kill every man that lays his eyes on me I'm broken . I just want to die Harry"

"Don't say that that's not true. You don't want that"

"No I do. because me being alive isn't right . My existence is a fucking crime. Shit the fact I was raped was like gods way to punish me for being alive. I don't deserve to be here . As much as my mother tries to hide it I can see the way she looks at me . I always have. So don't tell me your not good for me. I don't care how we met. I don't fucking care because The way you love me I've never felt that in my entire life Harry. My mother doesn't love me . She only had me because her religious parents wouldn't let her abort me. I'm constant reminder of the worst day of her life.
So please don't tell me you can't be with me because I deserve better. Because you leaving me has nothing to do with that. It's because I don't deserved to be loved I don't deserve to be happy. this chapter of my life was another cruel joke to show me what I can't have. So go! just leave Harry i get it. Life isnt fair it never will be."

Harry wrapped his arms around me and held me his entire body went limp above me. I could feel his silent cry. I could feel his abs tighten trying to be quiet. A muffled "I'm sorry I'm sorry so sorry. I fucking love you so fucking much it hurts. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to abandon you. I was trying to do the right thing. I fucked up the first time so bad so fucking bad. You're such a good person how can you love me how can you forgive me."

I forgive you because I love you Harry. I haven't figured out why I forgive you yet but I do. I forgave you months ago. I love you because you are a good person. You try to hide it but you truly are ive seen it."

"Baby I'm not good"

"If you think I'm this good person then why else would I fall for you. You're intentions are good Harry. People don't just follow you out of fear. it's out of trust because they see the man that I see."