lust // h.s.

Part 2|Bipolar

{Listen to:Starring Role by Marina and the Diamonds}

As Harry held me in his arms, I continued to run over the thoughts that swirled across my mind, I wanted to push him away. I wanted to push him away badly- so I did. And as I slipped away of his grip, I saw a darkness overcome his eyes and immediately regretted it.

"Why can't you act like a fucking girl Charlotte?" he yells, standing up along with me. I'm already on my heel as I answer, "I don't know what your talking about Harry. And I don't care either," he grabs my wrist, turning me around. "Why can't you tell me your feelings, or just let me fucking touch you?" he asks, somewhat calming himself down. Not me.

With the remaining tears streaming down my cheeks, and the leftover touches of his fingers against my skin, I could just feel the anger adding up as I spoke; "You have to trust someone to let them know everything your thinking, and you have to love someone to let them touch you like you want to," I reply, meeting my eyes with his dark ones, hoping that he'd get the point.

His dark eyes avoid mine as he spoke, "it's not like that and you know it Charlotte," "Maybe I should, but I dont." I replied as I pulled my wrist away, and walked towards my bedroom. I push the door closed- but just before it latches, Harry catches it. His hand sprawled against the door, and his long fingers spread across it. He looks at me, his eyes seemingly, drilling into me. "You fucking know that I love you." he says, his voice increasing. He pushes the door open in with no trouble against my strength holding it closed against him, "What do I have to do to make you feel my love?" he asks, the corners of his lips turning up slightly.

I knew exactly what he was referring to, and I could feel my body crumbling under the presence of his.

Within 24 hours I've went from shocked, to pissed, to shocked, back to pissed, depressed, pissed- again, sad, pissed again, and now. After all of that, he wanted to have sex? "Goddamn Harry, your such a dick." I manage to muster, crossing my arms; fear still having full control of my body. His hands rub against my waist momentarily, before I elbow him off of me. "Fuck you." I hiss, looking toward him.

"It wasn't even good the first time, what makes you think I'd want to do it again?" he asks, "Especially right now, it's not fun to have sex with a bitch." I grit my teeth, and stay quiet while glaring at him.

"God, it was just sex Charlotte! It was just virginity, it's not a big fucking deal!" I could just feel myself getting madder and madder as he spoke. And then it just came out, "So did you take Kate's virginity too? Or was it just mine?" I ask, because quite frankly, I didn't give a damn. He was playing with my  weak spot, so why not play with his? I had no right, but neither did he! Two wrongs never made a right; but I didn't want it to be right, it was to late to make things 'right' between us. I knew we weren't working, and I was glad. I didn't want Harry in my life anymore, let alone being attracted to him! And I couldn't be attracted to him if he wasn't around me, and the only way to make him leave me was to piss him off completely.

And it one comment, I'd done just that. His hand swings towards my face, and as it came in contact with my cheek, I felt ashamed. Because the worst thing wasn't that Harry had just hit me, it was that I'd grown used to it.

My hands pressed against his chest, pushing him backwards. Although he'd regained his footing easily, I still felt pleasure from being in control. "Don't talk about Kate like that," he hisses, pointing a slim finger towards me. "Why the hell not?" I ask, "You can talk about me like that, so why not her?" his face scrunches slightly as I speak; "Don't compare yourselves for Christ sake!", "Why?" I ask again, "Because it's different!"

Silence lingered uneasily as we exchanged glares,

"So if Kate and I were stuck in a burning building together, who would you save?", "Both of you," he says simply. "You know what the hell I mean Harry- if you could only save one,"

And the silence took over again. He looked perplexed as he stared down at me. I grabbed a suitcase and began shoving clothes into it quickly, grasping at one of Harry's old shirts and the coat he'd let me borrow a while ago and throwing them at the floor beneath his feet. "Way to make me feel even better, you really know you to treat a person Harry," I say, sarcasm filling my voice. I zip the suitcase and walk towards the door unlocking it and walking out,

"Running away again?" he asks, sureness in the tone of voice he had chose to use. I nod, opening a cabinet and grabbing reminints of scattered money from each shelf. "Good job Captain Obvious," I answer, "You've really outdone yourself."

"Where you going this time? I heard California's nice this time of year," how in the hell could he go from pissed to more pissed to horny, to pissed, to sad, to pissed,  to cocky in matter of hours? "I was thinking of New Mexico," I add in, shutting the cabinet door.

I walked out of the door, and met Harry as he stood on the other side of the door frame and dug into my pockets, looking for a set of keys. "Turn them in when you leave,"  I say, placing the keys in his hand, which grabbed mine as I did so.  My eyes moved from their position on his chest, up to his eyes. "Your not really leaving are you?" he asks in a calm tone. I bite on the inside of my front lip for a few minutes before shaking my head. He offers me a small smile and takes the suitcase, placing it against the wall inside while grasping the keys from my hand. I pull away, and my eyes meet his chest again. "Just.." I murmer, "Just don't try to call," I stand there for a few moments, watching his chest ride and fall.

Inhaling a sharp breath, I begin to walk down the hallway. "Charlotte?", my head spins towards him, staying frozen in my position. "Yeah?", "I'll lock up when leave," he continues, "and I'll leave the keys under your mat." I press on a smile, "Oka-y. Than-ks." I say, my voice barley a whisper knowing my voice has cracked. I turned my body back around, and continued walking. The fake smile pressed upon my lips being the only thing keeping me from beginning to sob. "And Charlotte," he calls, but I continue walking. "I love you."

With my body facing forward, I raced down the stares of the building and out the doors, the cool, harsh, air hitting me like knifes. Bipolar fucking asshole. Couldn't he just stop? Just stop lying? Just stop pretending?