Until My Last Breath

Chapter 50

Rose's POV:
I feel something warm on my neck, causing me to wake up. Slowly I open my eyes, blinking a few times before I could see clearly.

I frown, hearing calm breaths behind me before I realize that Shawn's arm is around me, my back pressed against his chest. Carefully not to wake him I turn around, my not really knowing what to do but it's so comfortable so I start to examine his features.

Every now and then his eyebrows would furrow slightly, making small wrinkles appear on his forehead, his mouth slightly agape, curls hanging onto his forehead and his chest steadily heaving up and down with every breath he takes.

The smile I had on my face drops as I think about last night. I'm not sure anymore if it was the right thing. In that moment it did feel right, to be with him and to kiss him... but now I feel like I shouldn't have let him near me.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore and I definitely don't know what I want. My emotions and feelings are like a whirlwind that won't stop turning. It just feels weird... a person I hated a few days ago knows so many bad things about me.

Things I would have never told anyone. Not even Carter. ‚Yeah he knows and he still stays.' my inner voice corrects me. That's true aswell even though I don't know that.

Maybe that yesterday was just the chance to prove to himself that he could get any girl. What if it was just a bit fun for him? Would I care? Would it actually... hurt me? I don't even know what he means to me.

Sighing quietly, I take his arm off my waist, before standing up. Shawn groans lightly and I could feel hear him moving but thank god he didn't wake up. I don't think it's a good idea that we see each other now. After making sure that he's alseep, I tip toe out of the room. I can't stay there anymore.

Everything just feels so... I don't even know! I don't what to feel or do! Why does it have to be so complicated? I need someone to talk. I could call Carter but it's in the middle of the night in Canada and... oh shit.

I completely forgot that he kissed me. I guess it would be weird if I talk to him about me kissing Shawn then... also would it hurt him?

I'm still hoping he did it because he missed me or because he has a stupid little crush on me, nothing serious. But what if it's serious? Of course I love Carter but I don't know if I could love him like that.

Everything is getting better and better. Note the sarcasm. So I guess that means the only option is Ava. I walk further down the corridor , not even bothering to knock as I push the door open. She always does that too so why not.

To my surprise she is already awake. „Rose? What are you doing here? It's like 6 am?" she asks, puzzled. „Uh... I... can we like talk?" This question was way more difficult to get out than I thought. I've never asked anyone for that but I just don't know what to do in this situation.

„Yes, of course. Everything okey?" She frowns, patting the spot next to her on the bed. „Can I tell you without you flipping out or something. I seriously don't know what to do." I sigh, fumbling with the end of my shirt.

„I promise, Rose. Tell me. You are making me worried." She says, moving so she's sitting in front of me. I take a deep breath and look up into her concerned eyes before I start to tell her what happened. Leaving out the part with the drugs and my cuts.

No need for more people to know it. I tell her about Carter and about Liam, since I can't stop to think about that Shawn cheated on Grace. He said he never loved her but he still did something no one deserves.

He also knew that she loved him and didn't care about that at all. „Okey... wow. I was actually about to give up on you two." Ava chuckles. „But I get it. Well, that's a complicated situation..." she sighs, running a hand through her hair.

"I just... it feels like- God I don't know what it feels like! All I can think about his him, for days now! But I can also not get rid of the anxiety that he would cheat again. Which is ridiculous because we aren't even anything serious and I hardly believe that we are going to be.

I probably was just some girl for making out as he was bored!" I ramble, my voice raised and my hands gesturing around. I sigh, hiding my face in my hands. "Rose." "No it's stupid I know. I making an elephant out of a mouse. I shouldn't care." I mumble.

"But you do." Ava states, taking my hands away from my face. "I..." I start but close my mouth again because I can't tell her. "Rose I know that I can't fully say how you feel about each other because I'm not in your or Shawn's head but listen, none of you see the small moments you two have.

You never saw how he looked at you when you were caught up in something else, you never saw the little smiles on his face when he watched you being nervous, excited or even grumpy and you never saw the how devastated he was when you were in the hospital.

And about you, as much as you want to deny it and as often as you complained to me about his stupid behavior I saw that you started to care and I saw that you became scared as you noticed for yourself.

Now I really understand why you are scared Rose. I do. You can never tell with whom you are having a happy ending but that should never stop you from letting a person near you.

Who knows, maybe he is your soulmate or maybe he is not. But I can tell you one thing, the way how he looks at you now is far away from hate." I just stare at her not knowing if that helped me now or not.

"You just have to be clear about one thing. Do you have feelings for him?" Ava asks, placing a hand on top of my shoulder. Just as was about to open my mouth I hear a thud in the closet followed my quiet cursing. I frown, looking at Ava who rubs her forehead.

"Ava..." I say, confused. „You can come out, idiot. All I asked you to do was being quiet and not to listen!" Ava says, rolling her eyes. My eyes widen as a shirtless Austin stumbles out of the closet, scratching his neck as he looks at me with flushed cheeks.

"I'm sorry I stumbled! And wow Rose, you honestly gave me so many new song ideas." He says, smiling.

„You listened? Are you serious? I'm so sorry Rose-„ „It's fine... I guess. Why didn't you just tell me that you were uhm... busy?" I ask, coughing awkwardly. „I knew something was up when you are awake at 6 am. I just wanted to help." Ava says, her cheeks turning red.

"Yeah... I already guessed that you are not together but Rose, don't worry too much." Austin says and Ava glares at him. "What?" He questions, causing  me to chuckle. He's really nice so I guess I don't have to care if he knows.

"I think you should leave now." Ava responds, raising her eyebrow. "You are kicking me out after last ni-" "Austin go!" Ava grumbles, clearly embarrassed. I shake my head smiling as Austin grabs his shirt placing a kiss on top of her head before rushing out.

"You didn't have to. I guess I'm going to sleep for a bit before we leave." I say, standing up. "Thank you, for listening though. "Always." She smiles. I return the smile but it soon fades as I hear a knock on the door. "Ava?" Shawn asks and my eyes widen.

I quickly shake my head at her, hoping she would understand that I don't want him to see me yet. "Yeah?" "Have you... uhm have you seen Rose?" He asks, turning the door knob.

"Wait! Stay out. I uh... I just got out of the shower." Ava calls, as I hide behind the closet. "Oh sorry. So have you?" "No I'm afraid I haven't." She answers. "Oh. Okey thanks anyways." Shawn replies, before he seems to walk away again.

"So you are ignoring him now?" Ava asks, crossing her arms. "Maybe." I mumble. "You shouldn't do-" "Anyways, see you then Ava." I say, quickly walking out of the room. I exhale deeply as I make my way back to my room.

"Rose? Hey wait!" I hear him call, causing me to walk faster but he holds me back by my arm.