Until My Last Breath

Chapter 115

Shawn's POV:
„Rose, please. Can we talk?" I plead, trying to open the bedroom door but, of course, it's locked. It's been an hour since our fight now and she just won't open the door.

My shaky hands move up to my hair and frustratedly pull on the roots. I'm such an a**hole. How could I say these things to her?

„Baby, please. At least let me talk. You don't even have to say something. Just listen, okey?" I ask, sucking in a deep breath as I wipe a away the tears that don't stop rolling down my cheeks.

Like I already expected, I don't get a response but I hope that she listens to me.

„Look, I know it's probably hard to believe right now but I didn't mean those things which I said. I'm not tired of you and trust me, I will never be. Not now and not when we are 80, sitting in a rockingchair as we watch our grandchildren play.

The reason I overreacted like this, is that I'm so f*cking worried about you. You don't eat, you almost don't sleep and I have no clue how to make you feel at least a little better because you shut me out all the time. And I get that you probably just want to be left alone at the moment but I was getting so frustrated with you not talking to me.

Then you weren't in the bedroom and I heard something in the bathroom, that made me think you-." My voice cracks as I try to speak further. I have to stop myself from thinking of that moment to be able to continue.

„I thought you might be hurting yourself again. And as I noticed that you weren't in the bathroom either and also didn't pick up your phone, I completely lost my mind. It's just that it felt like everything was crushing down at me all at once.

Andrew keeps telling not to miss too many festivals, the baby will be here soon and what stresses me the most is that I'm not able to make you happy. I know that these aren't reasons to hurt you like that. I just couldn't think straight anymore.

I'm so sorry for all the shit I put you through everyday. Like, your life is everything but easy ad I just add to it. You don't deserve that. I hate to see you like this. I hate that you won't let me do anything about it. I'm trying to make you feel save,  Rose. I really am." I say, shutting my eyes tightly.

„But I'm failing so miserably... I know that I will never be able to fill the now empty space in your heart you have for Carter. He means everything to you and...

I know that I could never replace the most important person in your life but-." I sigh, not having anything to say.

What can change the fact that this one person, who you would trust with everything, is gone? Yeah, exactly. Nothing.

„The truth is I don't  have a ‚but' which is good enough to make you happy. Just know that... I love you. With all my heart. Even if I don't show it all the time.

I love you more than anything and to me, you are the most important person in my life and if you ever let me again, I will do anything to make this f*cked up mess bearable for you." I add, waiting a few more moments in hope she would unlock the door but she doesn't, making  my heart sting painfully.

I really shouldn't have expected anything after the hurtful things I said. „I'm sorry that will never be good enough for you... it's just-." I say but stop as I see the door crack open, revealing the tear stained face of my beautiful girl.

Quickly, I attempt to approach her but she motions me to stay back. Confused, I frown while I wait for her to speak up. „Rose-."

„No, Shawn. I just came out to tell you how f*cking stupid it is what you just said. You honestly think you're not good enough for me?" She asks, raising her eyebrow.