Until My Last Breath

Chapter 81

Rose's POV:
"Is it better?" Ava asks me as she hands me a bottle of water. I sit up more straight in the passenger seat and with my still shaking hands, I take it, gulping the cool liquid down my sore throat.

"I don't know." I choke out. Panic and anxiety are still overwhelming me. I know what went wrong. I was in a stressful situation and that's exactly what the doctors warned me from. What scares me is that I can't do anything about it.

"I guess, I just have to calm down." I whisper, closing my eyes while exhaling and inhaling deeply. Repeating that over and over again.
"Don't you think we should get you into the hospital?"

"For what Ava? That they can tell me the same bullshit I had to listen to the past months? Don't you get it? They give me some injections and hang me onto a tube so I feel better? Let me tell you something. A not functioning heart can't help anything." I reply, sounding harsher than I intended to but I feel like everything around me is caving in at the moment.

Without any possibility to make it stop. "Don't say that. Even if it's like that you can still get-" "A new heart? I'm too low on the list Ava. Also if I would get one, I will be too weak to survive the surgery."

"Rose please listen, you are overwhelmed right now. I don't want you to say such things. There's always a way, got it? I'll call Shawn now, he should come to the hotel immediately." Ava says clueless with the situation we are in.

I don't blame her and don't get me wrong, it's so sweet how she tries to reassure me but she doesn't get it. No one does. Everyone tells me it's going to be fine.

Ava, Carter, Shawn and the rest of the crew. All I hear is that it's going to be okey. The truth is, they are not trying to convince me. They are trying to convince themselves because if they wouldn't have hope, there would be nothing to hold onto. I did that too for a long time too.

It made me able to stand up in the morning without overthinking wether it was even worth it. The difference is just, that they don't feel what I do. They don't feel how I get weaker and weaker.

Only I notice, that I'm out of breath way faster than I was before, that I'm more tired even though I sleep enough and that I cannot concentrate for more than an hour.

I don't want to take the hope away from them but it makes me feel alone to know that only I realize it. I don't want them to tell me that it will be fine, I just want to... I don't know.

I want to have a normal girls day with Ava, for example or I just want to be in Shawns arms while we watch a movie or do nothing but lay together because I don't know how many of those moment I'm still able to have. "He wants to talk to you." Ava says, snapping me out of my thoughts.

She hands me the phone, starting the engine afterwards. "Hello?" "Rose? Ava told me what happened. How are you feeling?" Shawn rambles worriedly. „I'm no-." „Shawn look at this!" I hear a voice laugh in the background. Definitely a girl's voice.

"Camila, I can't right now wait a moment. Sorry hunny, what did you say?" My stomach turns at the mention of her name and I can't help but get a bit angry at the fact that he ditched me again for her.

At least he didn't tell me that they are working on their song today. "I thought you had some studio stuff to do?"

"I do and I am at the studio with the others. But now tell me how you are feeling. Is everything okey now? If you don't feel good I will come to the hotel." I hesitate for a moment but my pride comes in the way of my decision.

„I'm already feeling better, don't worry. Have fun." I say, biting my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. In the corner of my eye, I could see Ava frowning because of my words.