Until My Last Breath

Chaptet 57

Rose's POV:
I wake up to my phone ringing. Rubbing my tired eyes, I look at the watch in my room noticing that I fell asleep for like an hour. I sit up, my chest tightening as I remember earlier.

My phone rings again, having a small string of hope that Carter is calling me to apologize and tell me he was stupid for saying that, I reach over to it.

The hope soon fades away as I see Shawn's name on my lit up screen and nit Carter's. I ignore him checking our chat. Nothing. No call, no message, no voicemail. I close my eyes trying to prevent the forming tears from escaping.

It feels like someone took a part of me away. My greatest fear came true. I was always scared of the day where Carter wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore.

I never told him that though because I didn't want to seem clingy and needy. Unintentionally a sob escapes my lips and I press my hand against my mouth. He just left me.

It's not my fault that he loves me! He promised that he would be there for me as long he lives. What am I always doing wrong? Again a person who means the world to me let me down. Maybe there's just something wrong with me.

The world would be a better place without me. I was about to lay down and just sleep again as my head starts pounding. Please not now. I pull onto my hair as it gets worse by every second.

The familiar voices starting to shout. 'No one needs you.' 'Everyone's leavings you.' 'You are just worthless.' I hear things like that for months now. Almost every night, as it used to be. I tried to block it out because  I knew that someone cared about me.

At least I thought that. If he really loved me how could he leave me like that? He knows I'm dying, he knows I'm far from being okey and he still let me down. I press my head against the mattress as the voices get louder and louder.

My head feels like it's exploding. "Am I not suffering enough for you already?!" I scream, pulling onto my hear but it's no use. I stumble into the bathroom, doing what I need to do.

With a clink the liquid covered blade falls onto the tiles floor. I watch the white color it turning red as I rest my head against the door.

The blood covering my arm and wrist. I just don't get it. What did I do to deserve all this? Am I such a bad person? All the loving words which once left Carter's mouth meant nothing to me anymore.

I know very well that it must be hard for him but would one call or just one text a day hurt him as much as this hurts me right now? Some would think I'm overreacting but go through what I went trough and then loose the only person you fully trust.

Let me tell you, It f*cking hurts. Slightly shaking I hold onto the counter to stand up, taking the last two steps towards the sink. I watch my reflection in the mirror. My hair is a mess, my eyes are bloodshot and red, my lips are dry and my skin is pale.

Small kids would probably run away in fear. I look horrible. My trembling hands find their way to turn on the water, washing the almost dried blood off me before wrapping a bandage around my arm.

I start to feel dizzy as I have to hold myself up by the sink. Maybe I should have eaten something today... I splash water into my face and brush my hair before carefully walking back into my room.

I look at my phone debating if I should call Shawn but the I remember that his concert probably started. I just could use his hug right now. Deciding to head towards the studio I put on a big warm hoodie and leggings.

I honestly couldn't car less how I look like right now. I grab my phone and head downstairs. Thank god that I already have my drivers license.

After I arrived, I quickly walk in trying to get to Shawn's dressing room without being seen. They would notice that something's wrong but the last thing I want is having everyone asking me what happened.

Sighing I sit down on the couch, letting my eyes wander over all the pictures of stars who have performed here already. I wonder if Shawn's getting to hang up a picture of him here too. I stare at the clock, counting down the seconds and minutes.

The concert has to be over soon... God, I feel like I'm sick. Burying my head in my hands I wait for the minutes to go by until I suddenly hear the door click open. "Yeah it was great, man. See you then." I hear Shawn's voice say as he enters the room.

„Rose? Oh my, you scared me. I just thought you were a fan who broke in. Since when are you here?" Shawn chuckles lightly and I look up causing his smile to fade immediately.

„Hey what's wrong?" Shawn asks, kneeling down in front of me, his warm hands grabbing mine. "Are you sick? You don't look good. I mean, you are beautiful! It's just that you don't look healthy." He rambles, placing a hand on top of my forehead.

I sigh, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him close. At first he is taken aback a bit but then he hugs me too, placing my legs around his torso as he stand up.

He sits down on the couch with me, his hand running soothingly over my back. I bury my face into his neck, feeling all the tears I held back during waiting for him roll down my cheeks.

Quiet sobs escaping me as he holds onto me tighter. After a while of staying in this position he cups my cheeks, making me look at him.

"Shh... hey baby, calm down. Tell me what happened okey? It will be alright." Shawn says softly and wipes my tears away but new ones replace them. "Talk to me. It's going to be fine." I shake my head, remaining silent.

„Rose, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." Shawn sighs, caressing my jaw gently with his thumb. I lean forward just wanting to hug him again but he holds me back.

„Rose, please. Tell me what happened. I hate to see you like this." He pleads, pressing a kiss to my forehead. I exhale deeply, clearing my hoarse throat before starting to tell him what's wrong.

„He said that he needs time without m-me and my problems..." I say, my voice cracking as I'm on the verge of tears again. "I don't get him. It's not my fault that he loves me? I can't change that!" I hiccup, staring at Shawn's shoulder as I trace the little lightbulbs on his dress shirt.

"Everyone is leaving. Is it really too much to ask for just one person to stay? I thought he would never let me down. He promised." Shawn wordlessly wraps his strong arms around me, pulling me close again.

Sighing, I hug him back, his addicting scent filling my nose which kinda calms me down. "Listen, he is an asshole for doing that to you.

He knows what you are going trough for the longest time now and just because he can't take it that you don't love him like that doesn't mean it is okey to push you away when you need him the most.

I know that you probably wish he was the one comforting you now but I swear that I'm here and I'm not leaving.

I also understand that you don't fully trust me yet but if you just let me, I'll prove to you that you can. My feelings for you are getting stronger everyday, Rose.

You are not alone. Don't ever think that. It's all going to be okey again and maybe that jerk grows some brain cells and apologizes to you soon enough.

You have me okey?" Shawn says and I feel that warm feeling coming up in me. I pull back from the hug, slightly smiling at him, making him smile back.

„Thank you." I whisper, cupping his cheeks and running the pad of my thumb across his small scar. "Always." He says, turning his head to kiss my wrist. Thank god he didn't notice the bandaged one yet.

I don't have the nerves to talk about that too now. Shawn moves his head quickly forward pecking my lips. "Are you hungry?" "Not really..." I mumble. "Have you eaten something today?" Shawn asks, raising his eyebrow.

"Mhm." "You are lying. Come on. I know you can't say no to burgers and fries. Also I'm starving." Shawn says, as he stands setting me onto my feet. He intertwines our fingers, pulling me towards him.

I look up, furrowing my eyebrows. "Can I kiss you?" "You just did." "Can I kiss you again?" I nod, causing a bright smile to appear on Shawn's lips before he presses them onto mine for a passionate kiss.

I can't help but smile aswell, the pain becoming less worse as my mind thinks of nothing but him and this moment right now.