Different worlds ~Ondreaz Lopez~

Older than I am

I spend the whole evening in bed, lying there staring at the ceiling. "I'm older than I am" keeps running through my head. I wish my life had been different so often, I wish my heart didn't have to bear so much pain, I wish I had made different decisions every now and then. Although my life hasn't been the easiest, I have learned a lot from it, but Molly is right, sometimes I would love to do stupid things without thinking I shouldn't do them. Meanwhile, it's around two in the morning. Sighing I open my laptop and start typing...

My heart's seen things I wish it didn't
Somewhere I lost some of my innocence
And I miss it
I miss it
Stay up all night thinking it's twisted
My life's been survival of the fittest
But I did it
I did it
I do all my own healing
Manage all of my feelings
I don't ask for help, no
'Cause I don't need it
'Cause I don't need it
Sometimes I wish I could do something stupid
Be kinda reckless while I can
Say I don't give a damn
But I'm older than I am
I could get hurt and get some scars to prove it
Just say to hell with all my plans
'Cause I don't give a damn
But I'm older than I am
Why am I always the one making decisions?
How do I handle the pressure?
I do my best to fake it
But honestly I hate it, oh
I do all my own fighting
I'm who I'ma confide in
Maybe I need help, no
I won't deny it
I won't deny it
Sometimes I wish I could do something stupid
Be kinda reckless while I can
Say I don't give a damn
But I'm older than I am
I could get hurt and get some scars to prove it
Just say to hell with all my plans
'Cause I don't give a damn
But I'm older than I am
Older than I, older than I, older than I
I'm older and I don't give a damn
I'm older than I am

Just as I am about to close my laptop, my gaze falls on the stick on the nightstand. Since Kouvr and Alex brought it to me I carry it around with me all the time, but never had the courage to look at the videos and pictures. I take a few breaths and plug it into my laptop. The file opens. Over 10 minutes of video footage is on it. I take one last deep breath and press play. Immediately tears shoot into my eyes when the first scene comes. Alex bursts into Ondreaz and Tony's room for a video, where Ondreaz and I are lying on his mattress. And it goes on like this the whole time. Ondreaz and I are cuddling on the couch or in the background hand in hand. The boys also cut in the pictures David took of us. Tears roll down my face uncontrollably. When the video is over, I close it quickly. But in doing so I open my photo folder by mistake. Lots of photos shine towards me. Ondreaz and me, Molly and me, Addison and me, my dad and me and what hurts most, my mom and me. I click on a picture of me and my mom and I sob.

"Mom, I miss you so much.  I wish you were here, even if it was just for a little while. You'd know exactly what to say to make me feel better, you'd know exactly how to cheer me up, you'd know exactly how to make me feel better, you'd have some advice for me on what to do now. I miss you so much, Mom. The only person who can comfort me like you is Ondreaz. You would have liked him, Mom. He's a great guy, even though he broke my heart... I love him, Mom. And I miss him so much. Oh, Mom, I can't hold on much longer. My heart hurts so much" I keep clicking through the pictures as I sob more and more. What am I to do without my two encouragers? More and more often I see pictures with Ondreaz where I look so happy...

At some point I put my laptop on its side and pick up my mobile phone. Since I left LA, I've had it off and not been on it. I unlock it and I see that Piper called me repeatedly I text her and tell her that my phone was off and that everything is okay. All of a sudden, I see that Tony texted me. "Social media fake...he's miserable" my heart constricts as I watch the video Ondreaz lies on a bed, his face buried in the pillow and tells how he would do anything to undo what happened between him and Megan. Once again a crying attack overcomes me.

Thxx for 62k reads
Love youu❤️