The Butterfly Code

43: 4 days left

October 10:

I feel so alone.

Sijeon hyung was gone the whole day. I didn't get hurt. But I didn't feel happy.

I felt scared.

The voice came back too.

It wasn't leaving me.

So I broke my promise.

I'm sorry Yoongi.

But it felt so good.

It was bright.

I didn't know blood could be that bright.

But it was.

And it was so bright, that the voice vanished.

I liked it.

It felt right.

No, I know it's wrong.

But I feel weird without it.

My body needs pain.

yes.

I found it.

I know what I need.

Pain.

Beautiful, beautiful, pain.

It hurts, but it's so numbing.

It's like an alcohol, but better.

I didn't show Sijeon my bandaged arms.

I didn't want to be punished.

When he came, I just gave him a hug.

I remember how he had chucked darkly. It was scary, but it felt so lonely without him. Without him fixing me. It would be so strange when I leave-

when would I leave, again?

Ah, yes.

Jimins birthday.

Four days.

I forgot I'd be living with six other people again.

six people.

Would they hurt me if I messed up?

Would they hurt me if I did something they didn't like?

Would they leave?

The voice says yes.

They would.

And the voice has been only confirming my fears.

I'll be good then.