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04:21 of night and I'm still not sleeping, now honestly I have lost all hope.
His hand on mine as he taught me to play the piano, the way he exulted in happiness every time I could do something right, his smile... his smile I have no words to describe it. It's beautiful, but using this word is not enough, it radiates all over the room and has very powerful effects on me. It manages to calm me down but at the same time it also manages to make my heart beat at an inhuman speed. His eyes are like oceans, not only for the color, but because they are deep, you immerse yourself in them and swim in the indefinite amount of unspoken words, screams trapped at the level of the throat; his eyes can also be compared to a book, exactly a book. I open the first page and start reading, I move on to the second and so on, an infinite book that has a beginning but has no end, I'm sure I would spend the days reading it.
I can't go on doing nothing, I have to talk to someone about it; maybe it's not such a bad idea to accept Brook and Jack's help, I'm pretty sure they'll understand. I seriously need help, I've had it all this time but something has always pushed me back.
***
"Good morning" like every morning I give them a kiss on the cheek and I sit at the table to have breakfast.
"Tonight there will be your uncle for dinner, I forgot to tell you" I nod with my mouth full of cereal.
Inviting relatives to dinner has never been one of my favorite things, but not because I don't love them, but for the simple reason that they unknowingly force you to be someone you are not. You have to dress a certain way, and then you can't just wear your comfortable baggy top that probably stinks and you can't wear your sweatpants because they're not elegant enough, you have to act like you've just stepped out of a high-quality college and are forced to answer all of them. the questions they ask you, which are practically always the same: "How are you at school?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?" or "Have you finally joined the gym?".
My uncle has always been the kind of person who fills you with inappropriate questions, makes jokes that are also inappropriate and gets drunk very easily and in that case he no longer has any filter, and we all know what I mean.
***
I cross the schoolyard and the first person my eyes see in the distance is Andy, he is with a man I've never seen before, tall, average build, elegantly dressed and wearing cleats on his feet.
I don't pay much attention to it and I walk into school, head to my locker and let myself go against it, letting all thoughts overwhelm me like an avalanche.
I haven't stopped thinking all night about the fact that I should seriously consider talking to Brook and Jack about this whole messed up situation. I am no longer able to think rationally and make decisions for myself, I need someone to do it for me before I do the biggest bullshit of my life.
