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Last night I couldn't sleep and as a result I spent all my time thinking, reading and trying to understand what is happening to me, I think it’s something beyond what I have found so far.
Anyway, speaking of the research I've done, a lot of it refers to people who like same-sex people but I honestly don't think that's the case for me. I’ve always liked girls so it can’t be… you know, I’m not attracted to Andy or other boys.
I’ve never fallen in love with anyone in my life but I know I liked many girls and never any guy, I never went beyond sex because sex only complicates things, some girls gave me blowjobs and they knew very well what they were doing. I have always felt attraction only and exclusively for girls and I think that the whole mess that prevails in my head is just a mass of useless bullshit; I have no reason to be so confused and bombarded with useless questions. And then, thinking about my future, I want a family, children and I certainly can't have all this with a boy.
The alarm rings and for the first time in a while I can say that I have finally slept for at least five hours, in my opinion I am really right at this point: I created my confusion for no valid reason.
"Good morning dad, good morning mom" I leave a kiss on the cheek of both of them and I sit at the table to eat my beloved chocolate cereals.
The twins are eating their chocolate chip cookies and I can't help but smile to see them so sleepy but at the same time happy to see their mates again after spending the weekend at home with a mild flu.
The doorbell rings and only now I remember that Jack and Brook are picking me up to go to school together. I get up and go to open the door but in front of me I see nothing but my dad's boss, who also looks quite angry.
"Good morning" I signal him to enter and accompany him to the kitchen. He and my dad go into the living room to discuss work.
"They got it all wrong, fags!" he screams out of the blue making me jump from my seat, the only thing my dad did was agree with him and he hurt me a bit because I thought it was different, but at least for him, luckily for him, I'm not gay.
For the second time the doorbell rings and this time it must be them. I open and see them both smiling, at least someone who smiles exists. I wave them in and they head into the kitchen to greet my parents, only now I notice that they are hand in hand. Shit, my parents don't know about them. I can't do anything anymore, my dad has already returned to the kitchen with his boss and there's no way they haven't seen him. Harnold, my dad's boss, scrutinizes them from head to toe with a disgusted look. "It's the fault of those like them" he says, pointing the finger at my best friends.
I'm about to say something but he leaves first, followed by my dad.
Jack and Brook also head for the front door and I stop them because it's the right thing to do "Where are you going?" I also wonder if the answer is obvious enough.
