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The last time I put gel on my stomach I found a tumor, the previous time I was still eight months pregnant. And now I'm here on a tiny bed the same as all the others I've been in, the monitor on and still nothing projected on it. Anxiety is consuming me inside and my heart beats at such a speed that if it doesn't slow down it could explode. I know that once they turn this monitor on and the gel is on my belly, I will see that ugly tumor inside me, probably even bigger than before. The habit of seeing a small living being will have to get out of my head because it will never happen again. Now this is reality and I just have to get used to it.
"Andy"
"Allie, hi"
"I heard it and I'm sorry"
"Yeah, we're too... but thank you"
"The doctor who gave you the ultrasound was fired for issues that have not yet been disclosed," she begins, leaving me amazed at what he just said. He is an elderly gentleman an
d I never expected him to be fired, more than anything else retiring was the thing I was thinking about. "I have not yet seen your previous ultrasound scans, but in the meantime we will see them live and then I will compare them with the others"
"Okay" only now do I realize how much the tone of my voice expresses sadness. I don't recognize myself anymore. This changed me in such a short time and everyone noticed it. There has been a noticeable change in both of us, actually. How could we not change, though?
"Oh, it wasn't what I expected"
"What? Is it that bad?" she says absolutely nothing, looking at the screen with an air that I can't explain. "What's going on Allie?!"
"You're four week pregnant"
"What? It's impossible! They talked a fucking tumor, not a baby"
"I deal with these things every day, I know what's in front of my eyes," she smiles but it's everything I can see because the world around me stopped almost a minute ago.
"I'm pregnant?" the tears flow down my cheeks like the rain that wets the cities, my lips tremble and in this moment it is as if my voice had been taken away.
"Yes, you're pregnant" with a handkerchief she wipes my tears. I lied to Rye because I was afraid things were getting worse and seeing him collapse wouldn't do me or him any good, so I thought I'd lie to him. Now, however, it is another matter entirely. Inside me there's our baby. A baby girl? A baby boy? It doesn't matter, our dream has come true. "Have you tried having a baby?"
"Yes, we really wanted and-"
"It's okay, it's okay now" she squeezes my hand tightly, she knows me.
"They told us that we would no longer be able to have children. Getting pregnant was the only thing I wanted and the last thing I could actually have"
